Diaries I Read:
Ever since the accident, B�s been talking about babies.
He�s brought it up enough in the last month that it�s definitely not just casual conversation and it�s not him goofing around. He�s ready. He told me that.
When he said he was ready, I said, �Are you ready for me to quit my job?�
Him: �No.�
Me: �Then you�re not ready.�
About a week ago he said something about babies again, and I said, �You�ve brought up babies several times in the last few weeks.�
Him: �I know. I want one.�
Me: �But you agree that now really isn�t the right time, right?�
Him: �Yes.�
But now he�s got me thinking. One of our neighbors just had a baby, and another neighbor is about ready to pop, and my friend Anne is due in August, and my friend Leah just had the most adorable baby girl about three months ago. It�s like, everywhere I go, there are babies and pregnant people. It�s really messing with my mind.
We did end up having the Cinco de Mayo get-together last night (where B enjoyed himself, by the way), and it came up again. He was talking about it with everyone, how he wants a baby but I won�t let him have one yet, and he was acting like he was kidding but I know he wasn�t. He�s got baby fever.
And then I was talking to my due-any-day neighbor about it, and she seems to be taking this whole pregnancy and impending delivery thing in stride, and I started thinking that maybe this baby thing was something I could do, too.
So I said to B later last night, �I think I should stop taking my birth control pills.�
Him: �Whenever you�re ready.�
Me: �Just to see what happens��
Him: �Are you ready?�
I shrugged my shoulders.
Him: �Or are you just BS-ing me?�
Me: �No, I�m not�I just think I�m never going to be �ready.� It�s just going to have to happen. Because whenever it happens, no matter what, I�m going to freak out about it.�
He just sort of nodded, and that was that.
I don�t know what I�m thinking. I�m honestly considering just stopping the pill. Not because it�s giving me any problems. Not because I *want* to get pregnant. I guess I�m just sort of OK with it, either way. And I�m thinking, why not leave it up to nature? If I�m never going to be �ready,� then what am I waiting for? I�m not at the point where I�d start counting days and timing ovulation or anything. Just, if it happens, it happens.
But then I think that�s insane. Are we ready for a baby? Am I ready for a baby? Is shrugging my shoulders about it a good enough reason to do this? Would I think back and wish we�d waited? Is the fact that I�m asking these questions evidence enough that now is most certainly NOT the right time? Or was I right before when I said that I�d never be really �ready,� and that it would just have to �happen�?
Here are all the things that scare me about being pregnant/having a baby:
� Getting fat (ruining all the hard work I�ve done over the past few months to get to where I am now)
� Going to the doctor/examinations
� Whether my asthma medication would hurt the baby
� Whether stopping my asthma medication would hurt me
� Stretch marks
� That line down the middle of your stomach
� Weird hair growth
� My face getting fat
� Not being able to wear my wedding ring because of swollen fingers
� Not being able to see my feet
� Getting swollen ankles
� Having my belly button pop out
� My face breaking out
� Breastfeeding
� Not breastfeeding
� My poor little boobs deflating when it�s all over
� Never losing the baby weight
� Getting no sleep
� Our house turning into a giant mess of toys / strollers / high chairs / bottles / swings / etc.
� Having to get rid of my car in exchange for something more �sensible�
� Never having �me time� ever again
� Never having �B and me time� ever again
� Post-partum depression
� Not to mention the actual childbirth part � I don�t have enough time to cover everything that terrifies me about that
So why on earth would I even be considering this? Frankly, after going through that list, I�m not sure I am anymore. And when I really think about it, I�m not sure I could come up with even five good reasons why I�d be willing to face all those fears above and just go for it.
I think maybe I�m just in a rut right now. I�m stressed and frustrated with what�s happening with B. I�m annoyed with things at work. I feel like I spend the bulk of my days wasting time. But I don�t think that�s reason enough to just up and get pregnant. Then again, if we�re not officially *trying*, couldn�t I just chalk it up to God�s will? No, that�s a cop-out, disregarding the whole free will thing.
I don�t know. I�m utterly confused. With everything that�s going on with B, now is probably the worst time to throw something so huge into the mix. I think for now we probably need to focus on us and on getting B better. That�s certainly enough.
But then again, it would be a baby, a little person who�s part me, part B.
Now that the idea�s in my head, it�s making me nuts.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004