Diaries I Read:
I had a fantastic weekend.
It started off with my dinner with Anne, which I�ve already told you about. Then, I kicked off Saturday with a six-mile run with my running buddies. It�s so nice to run with the old gang again and catch up on what�s happening in everyone�s lives. B and Dixie came too � they took a three-mile walk while we ran.
It was HOT all weekend � nearly 100�F � and we were beat when we got home and enjoyed a nice, long nap in front of the TV. There�s nothing much better than that. Then I headed out for a shopping spree. I have been in DIRE need of a shopping trip for several months � I�ve been stuck in my drab winter clothes even as spring arrived, and every morning I would just stare at my closet, hating everything in there. Plus that, lots of my clothes have gotten too big and I haven�t gotten them taken in yet and they just look awful. And, last but not least, Dixie has chewed up several pairs of shoes over the last couple of months, and even that was interfering with my wardrobe options. I really needed to go shopping.
I started off at Ann Taylor Loft, which I love. Unfortunately, they can be on the pricey side, but the clothes are really good quality so at least you know that what you buy will last. Plus that, I just love their clothes, especially in the spring and summer. I love the colors, the fabrics, the prints, and the clothes fit.
I had one of those magical shopping days at ATL when everything I tried on looked GREAT on me. Unfortunately, that meant I had to make some tough choices since B would have killed me if I�d bought everything I wanted to. As it was, I still spent a good chunk of change, but I got three pairs of pants, four cute tops, and a pair of shoes. AND for every $50 you spent, they gave you a $25-off coupon for the next $50 you spend. So that means I�m going back in a few weeks and buying more for half price! Woo!
Then I went to the mall, which was a little bit frustrating, but I walked out with another pair of very cute (I�m wearing them now!) shoes. By the way, have you seen the GAP lately? It�s all decorated like you�re walking through a weird rain forest/luau. It�s strange. They had some OK-looking stuff but I wasn�t in the mood.
I hadn�t quite gotten all the shoes I needed to make up for the Dixie destruction, so I made one last stop at a shoe store and bought two more pairs. Four new pairs of shoes in one day? It doesn�t get much better than that!
That night, we got together with our neighbors and cooked steaks, corn on the cob, and sausage and had fruit salad and regular salad and beer and ate it all outside in the backyard, when the heat of the day had burned off a little and the air was still and gorgeous. It was one of those nights when you truly appreciate where you live, and the fact that you paid six times the price for your house as everyone else in the country is almost worth it, because nowhere else could you enjoy a meal outside with no sweater and no bugs. We finished off the evening with just-out-of-the-oven cookies and a soak in the hot tub.
Sunday morning I went for a run with my neighbor, and it was already HOT at 8:00 am. Then we walked to church, where everyone is still so concerned about B and shows us so much love. Then we took a trip to Costco to load up on the necessities.
I spent a good part of the day tidying up the house for our company (Anne and her family) that evening, but I didn�t mind � it felt good to be productive and just get things done. And I love it when our house is clean and looks beautiful. And then we enjoyed another perfect evening outside with good friends, which I�ve already told you about.
BUT�
B�s weekend wasn�t quite as great. Sure, he enjoyed his walk on Saturday and our dinners with friends, but it was a rough weekend.
It may have all started on Friday night, when he decided to mow the lawn. I didn�t think anything of it until I went outside and saw that he was wearing his weight-lifting gloves while he did it. He said the vibration of the mower on his hands made his nerves go haywire, and the gloves helped a little bit.
Then he did the three-mile walk on Saturday and he trimmed the trees in our backyard. I don�t think either of us realized that he might be overdoing it, but apparently he did, because he felt like crap all weekend. He said he was sore, tired, achy, fatigued, and just didn�t feel right. He took several naps and slept through the night every night, so he�d gotten enough sleep. He was almost acting like he was sick, like he should have a fever, but he didn�t. He said he just had no energy and didn�t feel like doing anything. I guess he felt this way both Saturday and Sunday, but it wasn�t until Sunday night when I really started to get concerned.
I was racking my brain trying to think of an explanation for the way he was feeling. Was it simply that he�d overdone it? Or could it be the Vicoden? Could he have an infection, a reaction to the metal they put in him? Was he just getting sick? I told him he needed to call the doctor on Monday.
He did � twice � but they never got back to him. He felt the same way � crappy � all day Monday, too. I was at a loss, and I felt very frustrated and helpless.
Then, yesterday morning, I figured it out. And the more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I�m onto something. It�s really so simple.
He�s depressed.
I mean, why wouldn�t he be? It�s been over a month now, and he�s still not himself, and he doesn�t know how long it will take before he is. He�s in pain. He�s on medication that makes him feel run down and tired. He can�t do the things he loves doing, like running and weight-lifting, which means he�s missing out on the social benefit he gets from doing those things with his buddies, not to mention the endorphin rush and all that you get from pushing yourself physically. He�s losing muscle at an alarming rate. I would never tell him this, but I look at him and he just looks so small. Usually, he�s got these big, broad, muscular shoulders and these nice, strong, defined arms, and they�ve shrunken down to nothing. He�s probably lost 15 pounds, most of it muscle. That must be as depressing for a guy as gaining 20 pounds would be for a girl.
So of course he�s depressed. And when you�re depressed, you have no energy, you don�t feel like doing anything. All you want to do is sleep, but even that doesn�t make you feel any better. But this is so foreign to him, he would never recognize it for what it is. Heck, I almost missed it, and I�m certainly no stranger to depression.
But what do I do? I don�t want to tell him my theory about what�s making him feel like garbage. I don�t think it would help anything to suggest to him that he�s suffering from �depression.� I�m not sure he�d be willing to accept it.
We talked a little bit about it last night. He says he�s just tired of feeling this way. Plus that, he just started a new course for his MBA program, and it looks like it�s going to be a lot of work. Plus that, he still has to finish his final project for his last course, which he wasn�t able to do because he was in the hospital. He was planning on working on it this past weekend but then didn�t have the energy. So that�s piling up and starting to stress him out, which isn�t helping at all. I suggested that maybe he take a semester off, to just get this last project done and concentrate on getting better, but he was having nothing to do with that. I guess I don�t blame him � he�s ready to be finished with school, and he�s been so excited about graduating � but would a couple of months make that much difference?
His buddy called to see if he wanted to work out, and B said no. He says he�s afraid of �overdoing� it again. I suggested that we go to the gym together and just start off real slowly to see how much he can handle. He didn�t seem to have much opinion about that.
I suggested that we have a little impromptu Cinco de Mayo block party tonight � just make some margaritas and hang out with the neighbors in the cul-de-sac. I thought he might enjoy the company, getting his mind off of everything. His response: �I don�t know.�
He called and wants to have lunch together, so I guess that�s good. Maybe I can get a better feel for how he�s doing then. Otherwise, my only idea is to call Nurse Donna, the one we met on our honeymoon, and get her thoughts and suggestions. We already wanted to get together with them for dinner, so that way maybe he can talk to someone about what he�s going through without feeling like he�s being sent to a shrink (which, by the way, I don�t think would be a bad idea, but he probably wouldn�t go for it). I�m going to try to get ahold of her and have a little chat, just between us.
He did get some new medication yesterday and a new, therapeutic pillow (he�s been complaining that his pillows aren�t comfortable), so maybe that will help. Then again, I think the medicine is contributing to his feeling of lethargy, so adding to it may just make him feel even worse.
As you can tell, I�m nearly out of ideas. It�s so awful to see my jovial, fun-loving husband down in the dumps. I don�t know what to do anymore.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004