Diaries I Read:
One thing about being married is that your time is not really your own anymore. You can�t just do whatever you want, whenever you want. Often, the way you spend your day depends a lot on how your spouse is planning to spend his day.
Usually this is not an issue. B and I aren�t attached at the hip, and there�s plenty of time when he does his thing and I do my thing. And when he�s not doing his thing and I�m not doing my thing, we generally like to do things together. I guess I�m pretty lucky that we like the same things, we like hanging out together, and we do spend a lot of time together.
But then, there are those times when our choices just clash. For instance, sometimes B gets into a cleaning frenzy. It hits very suddenly, like a fit of some sort, and he�s obsessed with cleaning � scrubbing the grout in our tile countertops, vacuuming with real gusto (you know, moving all the furniture so he can get every square inch), cleaning the floors of the garage (yes, the garage), etc.
When we�re on the same page, this behavior is OK. I like that he wants to clean the toilets and the shower. I appreciate how lucky I am that he helps at all. When we�re in the cleaning zone together, we can do a pretty fantastic job. I mean, our house literally gleams.
But sometimes this cleaning fit hits at very inconvenient times. Like when I�m really tired and I just want to take a nap. Or when I�ve planned to spend the afternoon reading. Or when there�s a show on TV that I�ve been waiting to watch.
Cuz see, when your husband is working up a sweat while Swiffer-JETting your kitchen floors, it�s just not cool to be lounging around.
Sometimes he�ll get real pissy if he�s cleaning and I�m not. It�s like he resents the fact that he�s cleaning, even though it was his idea to do it. Even though nobody asked him to lift a finger. He just gets irritated and acts put out.
And even if he doesn�t say anything, doesn�t get annoyed, it still makes me feel bad to be relaxing while he�s working. It takes all the joy out of my sleeping/reading/lounging.
So sometimes I give in and join him in the cleaning. Usually it�s cleaning that needs to be done eventually anyway. But sometimes I just put my foot down and basically say, �Just because you feel like cleaning, I don�t. I feel like being a lazy bum. So you scrub to your heart�s desire, and I�ll be upstairs. And just remember, all this scrubbing was your idea in the first place.�
Actually, I don�t really say all that. Not in so many words. But there are times when I ignore the cleaning frenzy and proceed with my plans of laziness.
Here�s an example. On Saturday, we were having people over for a BBQ. They weren�t coming til 5:00, and I really wanted to go to the pool and lay out and do some reading in the early afternoon. I had some work to do to get the house prepared before our company came, but I figured I had plenty of time. When I mentioned this plan to go to the pool to B, he�s not a big fan of it since �we have to get the house ready.� I insist that I�ll have time to do it after the pool.
So I go and put on my bathing suit and get ready to go. I go downstairs, only to find him hard at work, hosing down the patio and cleaning up the back yard. So, of course, now I feel guilty leaving him to go sunbathe while he slaves away in the yard. To rid myself of this nagging guilt, I have to convince him to put down his hose for a while and come to the pool with me, promising that I�ll have the house spick and span for our guests by the time they arrive. So we go to the pool together.
But then we come home and he goes outside to finish up the yard. I go inside and proceed to do the dishes, transfer a load of laundry, fold and put away laundry, vacuum the floors, clean the guest bathroom, make the bed, etc. Needless to say, this takes a lot of time. While wiping down the bathroom countertops, I happen to look out the window into the street below and there�s B, obviously finished with his yard work, playing baseball with the neighborhood kids!
At this point, I have two options: 1. Be the nagging wife who marches outside and orders her husband to stop having fun and come help her with the housework. Or 2. Be the gracious, loving wife who is glad her husband is enjoying himself while she finishes with her housework, which is, after all, her wifely duty.
No, I didn�t go outside and make him come help me. And I really didn�t resent the fact that he was enjoying himself. But it did make me stop and think. I mean, I�m sure that he wasn�t out there smiling as he threw pitches to the kids, but all the while feeling guilty that he was goofing around while his wife was inside working. What I was doing never crossed his mind.
So why is it that I would be unable to completely enjoy myself in the same situation? Is this a female phenomenon, or just a personal thing? I�m tempted to think that it�s somewhat of a woman�s issue, this thinking of others, this putting yourself into their shoes.
Anyway, yesterday I was feeling particularly tired and I really wanted to spend the day resting, despite my long list of things I needed to do. I was debating how I was going to spend my Sunday, when B came in and plopped down on the couch.
�What are you going to do today?� I asked.
�This,� he said, and flipped on the TV.
�Good,� I answered, smiling. And I proceeded to spend a good part of the day napping and watching TV, entirely guilt-free. I couldn�t have asked for a better Sunday.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004