So I went to my friend�s baby shower on Saturday night. I think I mentioned it before � it was a couples� shower. I can assure you that B was not thrilled about going, but even he ended up admitting that it was fun.

See, it wasn�t your traditional baby shower. Basically, it was just a party to which people happened to bring baby gifts. There was beer and margaritas and wine (not for the mom-to-be, of course) and Mexican food. Nearly everyone there was a friend from high school, and it was really fun catching up with them. It was kind of like High School Reunion Take II � but just with the people who I actually wanted to talk to.

Of course, J was there with his wife.

And their baby.

And his mom.

And his dad.

And his brother.

And his brother�s wife and baby.

Yeah. Seriously.

So, needless to say, it was a bit much. I completely expected that J and Mrs. J would be there, but it never crossed my mind that the entire clan would be there. These are people I knew well. These are people who, for many years, I really expected would be my in-laws at some point in time.

I actually didn�t feel at all weird about talking to his dad. He�s just a friendly guy and he always liked me. We chatted for a bit; I introduced B; he asked about my parents; he assured me that my mom must be anxious for me to provide grandchildren; he told me twice that I looked good.

I was never as comfortable with his mom. I always claimed that she didn�t like me although J swore that she did. I think it was just a bit of the mama lion instinct thing I was sensing, especially when I repeatedly broke her baby boy�s heart. But she was very nice to me. She mostly asked about my parents.

His brother acknowledged me. I was never all that crazy about him � something about him made me nervous � so that was no big loss.

I didn�t talk to either wife. With J�s wife, this was a conscious decision, on both of our parts I�m sure. I�ve never met the brother�s wife. There was one point during the party when J�s dad and the brother�s wife were sitting on the couch and I was standing on the other side of the room facing them, but talking to some other people. And I KNOW that said dad was talking about me to said sister-in-law. He was definitely looking and gesturing in my direction, and she kept looking at me � I swear he even pointed at me. Maybe it was as innocent as putting a face to a name � who knows � but it still made me very uncomfortable.

Overall, I just felt like I was on display all night long. I had to smile and say the right things and look really good. I was very conscious about how my hair looked and if my lipstick was still on or if my butt looked big or if I was drinking too much or talking too loud.

J was trying hard to be nice. Unlike at the reunion, when I wanted to talk to him, this time I didn�t really care if I did or not. But it was clear that he was trying to act natural, like his friendship with me was the same as his friendship with anyone else in the room. He even kept calling me by this nickname that only he used to use. To tell you the truth, it kind of creeped me out. It was just so familiar. He was acting like nothing had happened and nothing had changed. It got on my nerves. The way I see it, he has no right to call me that anymore.

We had a conversation. It mostly centered on him and his baby and his family and his perfect life. And how having his baby gives meaning to his life and his family is the most important thing in the world and nothing else matters now. And, of course, the age-old question: �So, when are you going to have kids?� Translation: �When are you going to find a purpose in life instead of leading your current meaningless existence?� I gave him the standard answer � at least another year, maybe more like two.

I gave him my reasons for wanting to wait � not that it�s any of his business or that I should have to justify my reproductive decisions � and they went in one ear and out the other.

Me: �We just have a lot of things we�d like to do together before we have children.�

J: �Having my son was the best thing that ever happened to me.�

Me: �We�re just having a good time right now � just the two of us.�

J: �You can�t imagine how nothing else matters once you have kids.�

Me: �We�ve only been married a year, and we want to make sure it�s the right time.�

J: �I can�t wait to have another one. We�re going to start trying this month.�

Me: �And I want to be sure that I�m really ready � I want to be so excited to have kids I can�t stand it. And I�m just not there right now.�

J: �We�re hoping to have a little girl next time.�

And so on and so on and so on�

Frankly, I was extremely irritated by this conversation. I can respect, and even understand to some extent, the love and devotion one feels for one�s child. And I can see how your life can start revolving around this child. I can see why someone would want to express that excitement to a friend. However, what does not jive with me is someone�s obvious lack of respect for my decision and a refusal to listen to and respect my reasons for that decision.

After that little encounter, my feelings about J changed. I just didn�t LIKE him. I was like, who IS this person? He didn�t seem like the same person at all. Maybe that�s a good thing.

I want to reiterate that I had a really good time at this party. I am so glad to be reclaiming my friends that J STOLE from me five years ago. BUT I also left the party feeling very out of whack.

I couldn�t figure out how I was feeling � anxious, upset, sad, mad? I wasn�t quite sure. I told B I felt �weird.� I knew it was related to my encounter with J and his entire family. I think I sort of put my finger on it when I told B, �I�m feeling like there�s something wrong with me because I don�t want to have kids right now.� Not I feel bad because I don�t have kids. No, that�s entirely different. I was feeling bad for not having the desire for kids.

He said, �There�s nothing wrong with you. That�s not our goal right now.�

I said, �What IS our goal right now, then?�

He said, �To have fun.�

I said, �And are we?�

And he said, �What, having fun?� and then he got distracted by the show on TV and the conversation was over. I didn�t push it because I figured it wouldn�t go anywhere positive.

The next day I had a mini-meltdown. I still don�t know exactly what that was all about. Again, I suspect it had to do with seeing J. I just started questioning everything about myself and my life and putting a very negative spin on things. I think part of it was that seeing him and listening to his suggestions that somehow his life was happier than mine brought all of my old insecurities back up to the surface. All those thoughts � I�m not pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough, fun enough � started haunting me again.

After a couple of crying spells and a big fight with B on Sunday, I got over it and now I�m back to normal. I realize now that J�s words were just his attempts to prove to me that he didn�t and doesn�t need me and that he�s doing just fine without me. Maybe he has his own insecurities for which he�s trying to overcompensate. Maybe he�s trying to justify his decisions the same way I was trying to justify mine. Whatever the case may be, I�m over it.

But the thing that really pisses me off is that he DID get to me. I am perfectly happy with my life, yet I still let him get under my skin and doubt myself. B and I are doing exactly what we want to be doing, and we�re doing it well, and I shouldn�t have to defend myself to anyone, especially him.

The other thing that bugs me is that now I�m wondering if I�m ever going to feel truly comfortable in my own skin. Before, I was self-conscious because I wasn�t married. Now I�m feeling defensive because I don�t have (or want) children yet. After we have kids, am I going to feel bad about staying home with them and supposedly giving up my own identity? Or will I feel bad if I go back to work and leave my kids with a sitter? Does it ever end? Can people ever be truly content with their lot in life? Will we ever appreciate the phase of life we�re in while we�re in it? Or are we destined to feel dissatisfied, looking backward or forward to �better days�?

By the way, I still don�t know if B realizes who J is. If he does, he doesn�t act like it. Maybe he knows exactly who he is and he�s just man enough not to care. (If that�s the case, I envy his confidence.) Towards the end of the evening, there were only about five couples left, and the guys all went off to smoke cigars (gross) while the girls sat in the other room and talked. I have to say that J�s wife is a very nice girl. I didn�t talk to her directly, but I was part of the conversation among all of the women, including her. She seems like the kind of person I�d probably be friends with under different circumstances. And doesn�t that make sense that J would choose two women who were somewhat alike? Anyway, the guys were off doing their own thing and I couldn�t help wondering what the vibe was between B and J. On our way home, I asked B if he�d had a good time with the guys, and he said yes. I asked if there was any guy in particular he could see himself hanging out with (yes, I was fishing) and he said very nonchalantly, �Any one of them. They all seem like good guys.� I have to admit I wanted him to say, �Any of them except that J guy. He�s a tool.�

0 comments so far

previous - next

Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004

Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004

On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004

A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004

Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004