Diaries I Read:
Act 1
Scene 1 � 6:00 last night, in the kitchen. B and I are dressed for a run. A plate of chicken sits on the countertop, defrosting.
I pick up the plate and move it to the countertop on the center island. �Didn�t you learn anything from the steak incident?� I ask B.
�She�s going in her crate, anyway. Well, actually, she�s probably OK out of the crate just while we run?�
�Yeah, right. She�ll find something to get into.�
�You�re right.� B puts Dixie in the crate. We head out for a run.
Act 2
Scene 1 � 9:00 last night, in the kitchen. Preparing for the next day, National Boss Day.
I empty a packet of chocolate cake mix into a bowl. I crack three eggs and add them to the bowl. I add � cup of oil and 11/4 cups of water. I mix it at low speed for exactly one minute. I mix it at medium speed for exactly two minutes.
I put multi-colored paper cups in muffin tins. I remove the mixer thingies from the mixer. I lick the chocolate cake mix from them. I throw them into the sink.
I pour the chocolate cake mix into the muffin cups. I leave a fair amount in the bowl. I put the muffin tins into the oven and set the timer for 18 minutes.
I lick the spatula. I use the spatula to clean out the rest of the bowl. I lick the spatula. I throw the bowl and spatula into the sink.
18 minutes later, I remove 24 perfect chocolate cupcakes from the oven.
15 minutes later, I frost one still-too-warm-for-frosting cupcake generously with chocolate frosting. I eat it.
15 minutes later, I frost the rest of the cupcakes. All but six fit into my Tupperware container. I eat one. I place the other five on top of the container. I throw the muffin tins into the sink.
Act 3
Scene 1 � 1:51 this morning. Sleeping soundly on our bed: me; B to my right; Dixie to my left, shoved up against my leg; Hondo (cat) between me and B, shoved up against his left side
I wake up sneezing. This is nothing new but still annoying. I get up, blow my nose in the bathroom, use the bathroom, consider not flushing the toilet in an effort to not wake up B, decide that that is gross. I flush the toilet, sneak back to bed and try to get in without disturbing B.
B appears to have slept through the commotion. Dixie has not. Dixie approaches Hondo, begins nuzzling his head. Bell on Hondo�s collar: �jingle jingle jingle.� Hondo makes annoyed sound: �hmrrrrrr.� I try to move Dixie away from Hondo. Dixie goes back, begins chewing on Hondo�s ear. �Jingle jingle jingle hmrrrrr.� B stirs, sighs.
Hondo decides maybe 2:00 am playtime isn�t such a bad idea, and bats at Dixie. B stirs again. �Stop it, you two!� I whisper.
I sneeze. I blow my nose. I sneeze. I blow my nose.
2:00 am playtime heats up. �Jingle jingle snort hmrrrrr snort jingle snort hmrrrrr!�
�Thumpjingle jingle jingle thump grrrrrrrrrr!� They�re on the floor, wrestling.
�Damnit, you two!� B is awake.
�Jingle jingle jingle grrrrrrr hiiiissssssss grrrrr jingle�
Scene 2 � 2:15 am. 2:00 am playtime has moved; now includes the entire upstairs floor.
�Run jingle run jingle run jingle run jingle run jingle run jingle run jingle run jingle run.� They race out of the bedroom and up the hall.
�Run jingle run jingle run jingle run jingle run jingle run jingle run jingle run jingle run.� They race down the hall and into the office.
�Run jingle run jingle run jingle run jingle run jingle run jingle run jingle run jingle run.� They race up the hall and back into the bedroom.
�Run jingle run jingle run jingle run jingle run jingle run jingle run jingle run jingle run.� They race into the bathroom.
�Jingle jingle snort hmrrrrr snort jingle snort hmrrrrr!� They wrestle in the bathroom.
I get up, enter the fray, and remove Hondo�s collar. �Jingle.�
�Run run run run run run run.�
�Snort hmrrrrr growl hiiiiiissssssss snort hmrrrrrrrrr.�
B gets up. �You two, I swear!�
I offer my sage advice: �You�re gonna have to put Hondo outside the room.�
B picks up Hondo. Dixie follows, jumping at Hondo�s tail.
B returns, closes the door, gets back into bed, turns on his side, violently pulls the sheet over him.
I sneeze. I blow my nose.
Scene 3 � 2:25 am. Ostracized, Hondo sleeps peacefully in the laundry room. Dixie sits by the closed bedroom door, wondering why 2:00 am playtime has ended. B and I lie in bed pretending to sleep in the hope it will really happen.
Dixie makes an attempt to jump onto the bed and misses: �Thud thump!� She sits next to the bed, looking up at me. I pat the mattress, inviting her to try again. She jumps again. She makes it.
I sneeze. I blow my nose.
Dixie walks up to my face and sniffs it. She walks down to the foot of the bed. She walks across to B�s side. She walks up to his face and sniffs it. He shoos her away. She walks over his chest to my side. She walks to the foot of the bed. She walks across my legs. She jumps off the bed. She jumps back up. She walks across my chest.
Dixie checks out the nightstand for something interesting, front paws on nightstand, back paws on bed.
�Dixie! No!� I whisper, pulling her off the nightstand and putting her at my feet.
Dixie lies down. I thank God.
�Scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape.�
I reach down, take the bone from her, put it in the nightstand drawer, close the nightstand drawer. I sneeze.
Dixie walks to the head of the bed, sniffs at the nightstand. Dixie walks to the foot of the bed and lies down. I sneeze. I sniff. I thank God. I sniff.
�Smack smack smack smack smack smack smack.�
B rolls over. �What is that noise?!�
�She�s chewing on a Kleenex.�
�Well, take it from her. I can�t stand that noise.�
I reach into her mouth and remove a soggy Kleenex ball. I lie down.
�Smack smack smack smack smack smack smack.�
I reach into her mouth and remove another soggy Kleenex ball. I lie down.
�Smack smack smack smack smack smack smack.�
B sits up. �What the hell?�
�I took it out of her mouth twice! There�s nothing left there. I don�t know what she�s chewing on.�
B reaches into her mouth, comes up empty. �Shut up and go to sleep, dog.�
Dixie walks up to my face and sniffs it. She walks down to the foot of the bed. She walks across to B�s side. She walks over his chest to my side. She walks to the foot of the bed. She walks across my legs. She jumps off the bed. She jumps back up. She walks across my chest.
�Dixie, lie down and go to sleep.�
�Maybe she has to go to the bathroom.�
I lie there, hoping that means B�s going to get up and take her out.
He lies there.
Scene 4 � 2:30 am.
I get up. Dixie gets up. I head down the hall. Dixie follows me. Hondo watches from the laundry room. I walk down the stairs. Dixie looks at me from the top of the stairs.
�Come on, Dixie.�
She looks down at me from the top of the stairs.
I unlock the door to the backyard. She runs down the stairs. I open the door. She runs out into the backyard. I shiver from the cold air and close the door.
I carry her crate upstairs.
�If she doesn�t go to sleep, she�s going in the crate.�
B grunts.
I go back downstairs. Dixie is standing at the door. I let her in and go back upstairs. She follows me. Hondo watches from the laundry room.
I get in bed. I pat the mattress to invite Dixie back up. She jumps up.
I sneeze. I blow my nose. I go to the bathroom to squirt medicine up my nose. I get back in bed.
�Now, go to sleep or you�re going in the crate.�
She walks up and down the bed, circles once, and lies down.
�2:00 in the fricking morning,� B grumbles.
Act 4
Scene 1 � 6:20 am. Sleeping soundly in our bed: B to my right, Dixie to my left, shoved up against my leg.
The alarm goes off. I press snooze.
The alarm goes off. I look at it and note the time: 6:27. I press snooze.
The alarm goes off. I look at it and note the time: 6:34. I press snooze. I consider sleeping another seven minutes.
I get out of bed, go to the bathroom, and get in the shower. Dixie snoozes peacefully on the bed.
B gets up.
�You�d better get that dog up, too,� I yell from the shower.
I wash my hair, shave my armpits, wash my face, scrub up, rinse off, turn off the shower, dry off, get out of the shower. Dixie is no longer in bed.
I decide I need coffee badly, put on my bathrobe to go downstairs.
Scene 2 � 7:00 am, in the kitchen. On the counter lies a Tupperware container with one chocolate cupcake sitting on top. The countertop is smeared with chocolate frosting, littered with chocolate cupcake crumbs, and covered in chocolate-frosting paw-prints.
I take out a coffee cup, fill it with water, look to my left, and gasp.
2:00 am playtime explained.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004