Diaries I Read:
I have lots of little things running through my head. Last week I couldn�t think of anything to write, and now I feel like I�m overflowing with things to say but I don�t really know what I want to say about any of them.
Here goes.
Friday night after work I decided I was going shopping. I hadn�t been to the mall near our new house, and it was high time that I went. So I did. And I wandered from store to store and looked at a few things and tried on a few things. But it wasn�t fun. I really didn�t enjoy it. I bought two spider candle holders from Pottery Barn cuz they were on sale, and I bought some shower gel from Bath and Body Works cuz I needed some. Other than that, nothing. No clothes or shoes or anything fun. It just made me feel lonely. I realized that I don�t like shopping without my mom. She�s the best shopping buddy because it�s the closest thing to shopping by myself (since we�re usually on the same wavelength and she�s usually willing to shop for whatever I want to shop for) without actually being alone. I miss her. I�m ready for them to come back from Florida.
In church on Sunday, there was a really great sermon about taking leaps of faith and how you just have to be willing to take chances and make the hard choices and trust in God. And the whole time he was talking, I kept thinking about my cousin, James, who is 13 and living with a deadbeat no-good father in shelters and crappy old apartments somewhere on the east coast. He spent last summer with my parents and he was a pain in the butt, but he was basically a good kid, and he wanted to stay out here (sort of) but we had to send him back for lots of reasons. (This is a much longer story than I�m giving here.) So I was thinking about him and wondered if maybe B and I should make an effort to get him back out here and try to offer him a decent life. I mean, we�ve got the space. I think we could afford it if we gave up some things (and I bet my parents would help). It�s definitely not the perfect life I envision (and lead, to some extent) with B right now. It�s not the vision of the perfect little family we hope to have some day. But maybe that�s the point. It�s not always easy to do the right thing. I don�t know. I just really felt like maybe God was putting it in my heart. Or maybe it was just me. Either way, it�s certainly not something to be entered into lightly. It would change our lives forever. But more importantly, it could change James� life forever.
Lately I�ve been thinking more about babies. Having them, that is. I know it�s not the right time and I know I�m not ready yet, but I just feel like it�s in my face all the time and maybe the idea of it is starting to appeal to me a teensy bit. Or maybe I�m just bored. Frankly, I think that�s it. There was so much going on for a while there � for the past year and a half, really � and now things are slowing down, and I think I just need something new to look forward to. I know that�s not the right reason to make such an important decision, and believe me, I�m not. Just thoughts running through my head.
I had dinner last night with two of my old high school friends � I mentioned them before � Leah and Erik. They were and still are very good friends with J. Leah is about six months pregnant (but they�ve been married for SEVEN years!). Anyway, it was a very nice dinner. And it just made me sad that I don�t have real relationships with more women. I�d love to rebuild a friendship with Leah. But I don�t know how. And I don�t know if it would work. And I guess I�m just shooting myself in the foot by thinking of excuses to not make a real effort.
By the way, B and I were invited to their baby shower next month. It�s a couple�s shower. That means J will be there. Nothing new to say about that, but I don�t think it will ever be easy.
So, I guess that�s all I�ll say today. Bleh.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004