Diaries I Read:
I think that maybe I�m a snob.
I don�t really believe this. I actually think I�m a pretty nice person. And the truth is, I certainly don�t think I�m better than anyone else. I�m probably more guilty of thinking that everyone else is better than me.
Whatever. Yesterday, after church, all the women were getting together for a Southern Living party. It�s like a candle party or a Pampered Chef party but it�s all this home decorating stuff. It was OK stuff.
Usually I wouldn�t want to go to a party like this. I didn�t want to go, as a matter of fact. But we just joined this church and I really don�t know anybody and it�s a small church where they need all the support and involvement they can get. And the proceeds from the party were going to the church, so basically I felt obligated to go on all fronts.
All the men and kids were getting together to go out for pizza. I would have rather gone with them. Not just because I didn�t feel like sitting around a hoity-toity tea party, but because I just generally feel more comfortable with men than women.
Is that weird? I think it is. Because you know how there were always those girls in high school who had lots and lots of guy friends (not necessarily boyfriends) and very few girlfriends? I was never one of those girls. I really didn�t have ANY guy friends. I was strictly a girls� girl, except for the occasional boyfriend that I had. So I�m not one of those girls.
But something has changed, and now I feel more comfortable with men, a lot of the time. My closest friends are still women, but when it comes to acquaintances, I�d much rather sit around and small-talk with a guy than chit-chat with a woman.
Why is that? I don�t get it. I think maybe it�s that women make me nervous. Like maybe I feel like I need to impress them or prove something to them. And with guys (especially now that I�m not trying to date any of them), I don�t feel that same pressure. It�s weird.
So I went to this party yesterday, and it was OK. But I just didn�t have anything in common with any of the women; there wasn�t anything to talk about. And I didn�t make any effort to get to know them. Why do I do that? I�ll bet people think I�m a total snob, just sitting quietly by myself. And the truth is that a lot of the time, when somebody does approach me and we start talking, I�m not truly invested in the conversation. I don�t care. I�m not making a real effort to get to know them.
I think I�ve given up before I even truly meet a person and get to know them. I think I�ve already assumed that we won�t ever be good friends because she is too young or old or fat or skinny or has too many kids. And the truth is that I�m probably missing out on a lot of potentially good friendships. But I don�t have the energy to change that.
I want friends. I want girlfriends like I used to have in high school. I want somebody that I can go shopping with and go out to coffee with and just sit and talk for hours with. I haven�t had that in a really long time, and I do miss it.
B has a lot of friends. Good friends. Friends that are willing to help him move or loan him their truck or go to a football game or invite him over for dinner. But I have to say that B gives more to his friends too. He invests in his friendships, so I guess it makes sense that he gets more in return. But I don�t invest in them. I�m really bad about even calling my best friends in the world. And I haven�t found anyone recently that I felt had the potential to be a good friend, so I haven�t put forth the effort. I know that�s a mistake, but it�s still what I do. And then even if I do find someone that I think I could get along well with, I don�t know how to approach it. I don�t know how to begin building the friendship.
For instance, we had a couple over for dinner several weeks back. The guy is a friend of B�s from school. I had only seen pictures of his wife, and for some reason (I�m a snob) I had decided that she didn�t look like the kind of woman who I�d be good friends with. Anyway, they came over for dinner and she and I really hit it off. I really liked her, and it seemed like we had a lot in common. But I haven�t seen her since then, and I�ve thought about calling her, but I don�t know how to do it anymore. I don�t know what to invite her to do. Isn�t that lame? I feel like a little kid who needs her mommy to take her everywhere.
I guess I should just give her a call and ask if she wants to go to coffee. It might be a little awkward at first, but them I�m sure it would get better.
Who knew that having friends would become so hard?
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004