Diaries I Read:
I�ve never had the naked dream. You know, the standard recurring nightmare where you go to school (or work) naked, thinking that everything is just groovy until you notice people looking at you and then suddenly you realize that (gasp!) you�re NAKED! It�s the dream sequence that they use in every sitcom and movie, and supposedly everyone in the world has had some version of this dream at least once. Well, maybe I�m alone here, but I�ve never had the naked dream.
My recurring nightmare has always been some version of the it�s-finals-week-and-I�ve-never-ever-been-to-my-math-class dream. It�s always something like I have a huge research paper due in three hours and I haven�t started it. Or it�s the middle of the semester and I�ve only gone to my English class once. Or it�s the last week of school and I have the entire semester�s worth of history homework still to do. Maybe this proves that I�m a true nerd at heart. My biggest, deepest fear is that I didn�t finish my homework?! I�m sure a psychiatrist would have a field day.
Anyway, the thing is, I have a new recurring dream. And it�s awful. I still have the old unprepared-for-school dream every now and then, but a new dream is taking over as the prevailing nightmare. Basically, it�s a dream (a bad, bad dream) that B is leaving me.
It�s never exactly the same. Sometimes it�s him breaking off our engagement. Sometimes it�s him having an affair. Sometimes it�s him just saying that he doesn�t love me anymore. In any version, it�s terrible terrible terrible, and I hate having that dream. Usually, in the dream, I�m crying and crying and crying so hard that I can hardly breathe. And I wake up feeling the exhaustion of crying like that. I wake up feeling the horrible feelings that I felt in the dream. And then I look over and see B lying there next to me and I know that he�s not the person who was in my dream. But it still leaves me hurting a little bit.
I don�t think I�m afraid that B will leave me. If you asked me while I�m awake, I�d say, �Never.� But I�m wondering if maybe I do have some deep-seeded fear about it; otherwise, why would I dream about it over and over again?
I even had the nightmare once while we were on our honeymoon! Our honeymoon! I told B about it, and he said, �You shouldn�t be having dreams like that when you�re on your honeymoon.� And I completely agree. I shouldn�t be having them, period. I�ve told him about the dreams several times, in fact. I wonder if it bothers him that I have them. I think it would bother me to think that maybe he had doubts about me that were surfacing in his subconscious. But I�m not sure B thinks about it like that. I hope not. I don�t think he really thinks about it much at all, which is a good thing. He never remembers his dreams at all, so I don�t think he understands. He�s also not one to overthink things the way I do.
But I had one this weekend, and I think this one really takes the cake. Basically, the dream was that B was leaving me for another woman with my same first name. At first, I had approached him about who this woman was, and then it evolved to the point that he was going to leave me for her. He took his wedding ring off, and we had discussions about who was going to keep what furniture, and such. But the dream was much more involved and drawn out than that might suggest. Because the dream went on for hours and hours � it lasted pretty much all night long. I even woke up several times and tried to make the dream go away, but every time I fell asleep again, the dream would just continue. It was awful. Again, in the dream I was crying so hard, and when I woke up, I felt the effort of crying like that.
But here�s the really weird thing. B wasn�t really B. He was J � you know, J of the high school/college/reunion romance/fiasco? Like, he was B in some ways and J in others. I think he always looked like J � he didn�t have B�s face. But we were married, and he had B�s wedding band, and we had our furniture, and he had B�s family. But it was also kind of like we were in college. We didn�t really live in our house � it was like all of our furniture was in a big college-style apartment. And even though we were married, it didn�t feel like we were married. Like, when B/J left me, it was no big deal to him � not like ending a marriage, more like ending a college romance.
It was so so weird. And it�s stuck with me for a couple of days. When I woke up in the morning, I just asked B to hold me, and I told him I had a bad dream about him. I told him it was about him leaving me (I didn�t tell him he was sort of an ex-boyfriend in the dream), and he assured me that he never would. He also told me I was psycho and that I should see a psychologist.
Maybe he�s right.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004