Diaries I Read:
Originally, I was going to write about all the details of my recent trip to New York, and it probably would have taken at least two more entries to cover it all. But in thinking about it more, I�ve decided not to dredge everything up. Like I mentioned before, a lot of it involves a lot of family history, not all of it positive, and I just don�t see what good can come from airing all my family�s laundry to the world. Plus that, it probably wouldn�t be all that interesting to anyone who happens to be reading this, so I�ll be more brief.
There was a great deal of drama involving my grandmother, who has been divorced from my granddad since my mom was a toddler. There�s always a lot of drama when my grandmother is involved; she thrives on it. Most of it is still unresolved, and it makes for a very sad situation. But it�s a situation with which I cannot offer any help. It is a situation that goes way beyond me. And even if I were to offer my help, I don�t think it would do any good. Let�s suffice it to say that my grandmother is not a very happy woman, and I don�t know that anyone can help her. She acts desperate for help, but then she doesn�t accept what you offer. So all of us are essentially helpless. It makes me sad.
But this trip wasn�t about my grandmother; it was about my granddad. There are negative things I could dredge up about his relationship with his wife, but I don�t think I really want to go there either. There is nothing � absolutely nothing � negative to say about my granddad. To me, he is the most perfect, gentle, loving man I know. I don�t care if that perfection is just an illusion in a na�ve granddaughter�s fantasy. It�s an illusion I care to keep.
He�s actually doing pretty well, all things considered. He�s going through radiation; in fact, his last radiation treatment was today. He was having chemotherapy, too, but his blood counts were going too low previously, so they stopped doing the chemo. They may resume it sometime in the future if it looks like he can handle it. It would probably be good if he could take it, but it�s really hard on his body.
My mom and I spent several hours each day visiting with my granddad. Unfortunately, he really can�t do much right now � he doesn�t even move around much � so it was pretty much just sitting there in the room with him talking. And as much as I adore him, there comes a point when there just isn�t all that much more to say to each other. We�re so far removed from each others� worlds, and I�m sure he doesn�t want to sit there and listen to me talk about my job or something all day long. And frankly, he doesn�t really have much to talk about because he can�t do anything right now. So as much as I�d have loved to spend every minute with him, a few hours every day was enough.
One day, my mom went down to the cellar to go through some of the things down there, and she came across a few boxes of old pictures and stuff. That was fun to look through all the pictures and ask him about the various people and places in the pictures. It was fun to listen to him talk about his 10 brothers and sisters and the different things he used to do, the trouble he got into in school, the war, and so on. I found an album from the war filled with pictures of young men, most of whom are probably gone now, in uniform. It was such a very different world back then. He told us about how one time he threw a baseball glove across his classroom and got sent home from school for it. I guess on his way home he met up with a few friends and they went to one of their houses, where their mother made them plates of spaghetti. So I guess they weren�t all that disappointed about being sent home. He ended up missing a few days of school because his mother wasn�t able to go to the school and speak with the teacher (which was required before he could return), so he just spent those days working.
Maybe all of this doesn�t sound very interesting, but I�m just trying to piece together the little bits I have so that maybe someday I�ll have a more complete picture of who my grandfather was. It�s so sad that so many years have passed with so much distance between us that makes it so hard to take the relationship to a deeper level. I want to capture everything about my granddad now since I know he won�t be around forever.
I think he is just so cute. Actually, as a young man, he was quite good-looking. Now he�s an old man that most people wouldn�t look twice at, but to me he is adorable. He has these very loose jowls that almost make him look a little like a turkey. He used to have beautiful, dark, thick hair, but now it�s buzzed and grey. He still has a full head of hair, though. (My brother is lucky is he inherits that hair, as I understand he should.) He has these droopy blue eyes that seemed a little watery (from being sick, I think) and made him look a little sad. He has this way of expressing himself without saying much, and it makes the things he says humorous, in a strange way. (In this way, he�s a lot like my brother, which I came to see more clearly during this trip. I think maybe I can understand my brother better now after spending some more time with granddad.)
Anyway, it was really good to see him. I wish I could just keep him within my sight. I feel like if I don�t, I just might lose him. It�s really scary to me. On the day that I left, we met him at the hospital for his radiation treatment and doctor�s appointment. It wasn�t necessarily quality time, but it was time in his vicinity. When it came time to go, I just lost it. Not in front of him. But as we walked away after I said goodbye, I just broke down. How do you say goodbye to someone when you don�t know if you�ll ever see them again? I mean, it�s not like he�s on his death bed, but you never know. And it�s not like I can just jet off to New York whenever I feel like giving my granddad a hug.
For the rest of the day, in the airport and everything, I was on the verge of tears. I was surprised by the amount of emotion I felt. I guess that when I left, everything became real. When I was there with him, it felt like nothing would change, like he�d be there forever. Now I don�t feel so sure.
I wish I could be with him now. I hope he knows how much I love him.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004