Diaries I Read:
I�m not afraid of very many things. I don�t get freaked out by scary movies and have bad dreams because of them. I�m not particularly afraid of walking through parking lots alone at night. I�m not always even very careful about making sure the doors are locked at night. Maybe I should be more afraid. Maybe I�m being na�ve and setting myself up to get hurt. Whatever. The point is, I�m just not a person who easily gets freaked out.
However, I have been absolutely scared to death recently. By what? Coyotes. I�ve mentioned this before, I know. But I just keep hearing all these stories about coyotes in our area, and it�s FREAKING ME OUT. I�ve heard stories of coyotes coming up and taking your dog right off its leash. As I�ve said before, I�m even scared to let D run around in our own backyard during certain times of the day.
Anyways, despite all of this, neither B nor I had seen a coyote in the area ourselves. But the other night, we decided to take D on a fairly long walk, and it was about 7:30 and starting to get dark as we were making our way back. We were just walking up the sidewalk, in a not-very-remote area, and I saw this animal just standing in the middle of this little park area, right out in the open, about 50 yards away. It looked like a German Shepherd. I said to B, �Is that a dog or a coyote?� He said, �That�s a coyote.� So I scooped D up in my arms, and B told me to stay calm, and we just picked up our pace and kept walking. I could not stop looking over my shoulder for several more blocks, and I didn�t want to let go of D. She finally squirmed enough that I let her walk on her own again.
Anyway, you can�t even call it an incident. Nothing happened except that we saw the coyote. Chances are he wouldn�t have done anything, even if I hadn�t picked D up. But still. I�m freaked out.
The next night, I took her out for her walk, and I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. I saw coyotes in every shadow. I felt them lurking behind every corner. Every little noise I heard was a coyote springing on us. I know it sounds stupid, but I can�t help it. I�m so scared. So the last couple of nights, I�ve made B go with me. He hates going. It�s been our deal ever since we got D that he would take her out in the morning and I�d take her out at night. He�s a morning person and I�m a night person. It has worked perfectly that way. Now I�m screwing it all up. I guess maybe I�ll have to start taking her out a little earlier in the evening.
And then, B calls me this morning (he had to leave REALLY early) to tell me that he saw a coyote out by our house when he left, so I should be careful when I take D out. Geez louise! Is he trying to give me a heart attack? It�s just as bad in the morning! (Still, I�m more afraid at night. At least in the daylight maybe you�ll be able to see them better.)
I know this doesn�t sound like a very big deal. But my point is � I�m SCARED. And I�m not used to that feeling. Now I wonder how people who are innately afraid get through life. How can they stand that constant feeling? I�d hate it if I felt like this every time I crossed a street or got into my car after dark. I don�t think I could handle it.
But then I thought that maybe the difference is that I�m not scared for myself. I�m not afraid of the coyotes attacking ME, I�m afraid of them hurting my dog. So maybe it�s some kind of maternal instinct or something. I don�t know. If mothers feel like this all the time, I have a newfound respect for them. I�m also afraid I�m going to be a terribly overprotective, worried mother.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004