Diaries I Read:
I�ve had a unique opportunity to look at a situation from a different perspective. Here�s how. My good friend at work, F, has a boyfriend who lives out of state. He also has an ex-girlfriend who lives with him. This has been a bit of a problem in the past. Anyway, the boyfriend is moving out here, which makes F very happy. The problem is that this girl, his roommate, was planning to move out here with him AND continue to live with her. Obviously, this was not OK with F, and she told him so. She didn�t give him an ultimatum, but she did say that she would not put herself in the middle of an unhealthy situation (because the ex-girlfriend is totally dependent on him and has a lot of problems that make his relationship with F difficult) again. Finally, he came to his senses and told the ex-girlfriend that she couldn�t continue to be his roommate if she chose to move out here with him. Apparently, she freaked out.
I�ve been hearing about this whole situation for a couple of months now. Even before the whole moving out here scenario popped up, F had talked about this ex-girlfriend and how difficult she made things and how they have a co-dependent relationship and she�s really rude and on and on and on. And of course, because F is my friend and a really cool person, I see her side of the story and sympathize with her and think she�s in the right.
Well, the other day, this girl sent F this loooooooooong looooooooooong e-mail pouring her heart out about how much the guy means to her and how she needs him and how they have this ultra-close relationship that nobody understands and how she can�t move and make a fresh start if she has to do it on her own, and so on. F was floored. She showed it to all of us and wanted to know what we thought.
A couple of the girls here at work, who are rather jaded and somewhat harsh (in my opinion), said that the girl was obviously a head case and that they didn�t even think F should be involved with a guy who has baggage like her. I, however, saw it differently.
I saw it differently because I totally sympathized with the girl. Yes, she has problems, but don�t we all? She was just in tune with hers. In fact, I thought her letter to F was quite eloquent. It was dramatic, but I�ve certainly had my dramatic moments.
I guess the thing is that it just sounded so much like the situation I was in with J. There are differences, of course, but at the core it sounded like her relationship with F�s boyfriend was very much like the relationship I had with J. We totally depended on each other. We were best friends. Nobody understood us. I�m not even sure we understood ourselves. We needed each other. We supported each other. We loved each other (despite the fact that our �love� had many different faces).
But there I was, talking to F, listening to her side of the story about how this girl is a nut case and how she just needs to move on with her life and accept the fact that the two of them aren�t a couple anymore. And I do agree that her living with him probably wasn�t the healthiest relationship. But here was this girl, heartbroken because this guy was leaving her and going to the other side of the country, and she felt like she was losing everything. And I�ve felt that. I know how she feels. I know how desperate and helpless she feels, like her world is totally falling apart.
And, to tell you the truth, her world IS falling apart right now. And if everything goes as planned and he more or less walks out of her life, the pieces will keep falling for a while. And it�s going to take a long time to pick them all up and put them back together. I don�t know this girl at all. Maybe she is a head case. But I�ve been through this before.
But then again, F has completely legitimate concerns. She can�t have her boyfriend constantly running to this girl�s side to help her out of whatever crisis she may be in at the moment. He is her boyfriend, after all, and supposedly they are in a very serious relationship. And that makes me wonder if that�s how J�s then-girlfriend-now-wife felt about his relationship with me? Did it sound so simple? Because when we talk to F about this, it sounds simple: he has a girlfriend now, so he can�t go on this way with the other girl, and there�s nothing wrong with walking away from her altogether. Was it that simple in J�s girlfriend�s mind, too? Did she sit around listening to her friends give her advice, saying, �Well, he just has to choose, plain and simple. If he wants you, he can�t see her anymore�? Was it like that?
And here I go again, overanalyzing something that really just doesn�t matter anymore. But it was just really weird to be looking at a situation that appears to be quite similar and taking the other side. I see it from F�s perspective. She�s right in many, many ways. But it also makes me sad for this other girl. Maybe she�s not a nut case. I wasn�t. Maybe they just truly have a special relationship that nobody else can understand and they can�t explain. J and I did. But it wasn�t enough.
If J�s girlfriend was in fact responsible for the way he walked away from me completely, I wonder why. I mean, I never laid eyes on the girl. He was never not there for her because of me. At least not that I�m aware of. Did he talk about us? Did he tell her about everything? Did someone else tell her? Or did she just hear my name dropped by different people enough times that it got to her? I really do wonder.
But I said this was over. It�s not worth thinking about it. I really don�t care, to be perfectly honest. I guess I just get caught up in thinking about it sometimes. And I guess the moral is that there are two sides to every story. Maybe it would answer a lot of questions if I were to hear her side one of these days. That won�t ever happen.
Let it go.
There it goes.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004