Diaries I Read:
So, let me see if I can get back to where I left off.
One of the other things that he said was that he�d heard about B (again, there he goes poking around in my life, of which he decided he wanted no part) and what a great guy he was. He�d heard that he was really the life of the party and this and that. I said that, yes, that was true, that he is a great guy, that he�s good for me, that we�re good together, and that I hoped they�d have a chance to meet. So later on in the evening, I introduced them. There was really no exchange between them. It wasn�t really the right situation. Also, there�s really no need for an exchange between them. Just like I have no need to share girl talk with his wife. But they met. B didn�t say anything about it. Neither did I. I do wonder what he thinks about all this. I wonder if he DOES think about it.
There�s not really much more to say about our conversation except that when I sensed it was time to wrap things up, I said once again how happy I was that we�d had this chance to talk. And I said that I would really hope we could stay in touch now. When I said that, though, he didn�t say anything. He didn�t agree. He didn�t disagree. But, more importantly, he didn�t agree. Not a nod, not a �yeah,� nothing. He just sort of looked at me. I wish I could explain the expression on his face. It was kinda similar to the look he got when I referred to the fact that he never called me. I want to say it was an expression that held a lot behind it. Like there was a lot that wasn�t being said. But maybe that�s just wishful thinking. Maybe that�s just overthinking. The one thing I can say about it is that there was something in his eyes that I had never seen before. It was something completely new and different. And I�ve seen a lot in his eyes. I think I�ve seen him express just about every emotion there is. Obviously, there�s a lot that�s happened to him in the last five years that I know nothing about. He�s not the same person. So maybe it shouldn�t surprise me that there was something unfamiliar about that look. So I guess that�s all I can really say about it � I had never seen it before.
So I think that basically wraps up our encounter. After that, we were able to actually be in the same space together, which was nice because we share so many of the same friends. It was really nice to be able to be in his presence. Just be around him and have it not be a big deal. That�s the way it should have been all this time.
So now the question is, what does all this mean? Well, I�m sure I�ll be trying to answer that for a while. At the very least, I have to say that I do feel better. I feel like there was some healing that took place. Why it makes me feel better, I don�t know. I would say it offered a bit of closure, but I�m not sure if that�s really accurate. Because we didn�t talk about what happened. But just talking to him, just seeing him � I think it made him less of a ghost. I think it took a bit of the mystery out of it. He�s still just this real guy living this real life. There�s nothing extraordinary about him. There�s nothing about him that makes him better than me. What am I saying here?
Let me start over. At first, I thought our encounter was going to make everything better. That it would close this door that has been open a crack for so long. That it would close this wound that, no matter how happy and successful and in love I am, still stings a little bit (stings a lot when I let it).
But then, after a day had passed and I�d had a chance to reflect on it a little bit, I realized how the encounter truly didn�t resolve anything. Like I said before, for some reason I want him to know how much he hurt me. And I didn�t get to tell him. I didn�t get to show him. I didn�t get to ask him why. He didn�t say he was sorry. And when I extended the invitation to keep our lines of communication open, so that we wouldn�t go through another five or 10 years without talking and just following the gossip around town, he essentially turned me down. I really believe that, when I said I hoped we could keep in touch, the flash in his eyes and his silence meant, �I don�t.� Perhaps it meant, �I wish we could too, but it�s not possible.� Regardless, I don�t think anything is going to change for us. He�s not going to call me. He�s not going to send me a Christmas card. And neither am I, simply because he didn�t invite me to. So what we lost five years ago is really still lost. There�s truly no getting it back.
And maybe that�s the way it has to be. Maybe he�s smarter than me in that way because he realizes that we can never have a real friendship again. Maybe since he wasn�t the one to get hurt here, he just doesn�t need me. I don�t NEED him, either. My life is complete without him. I guess it would just be nice to put this sadness behind me.
But maybe that�s the lesson here. Just put the sadness behind me. There�s no reason that it should make me sad anymore. Yes, it was unfortunate. Yes, we had something special. Yes, it sucks that we don�t have it anymore. Yes, I was hurt for a long time. But I�m happy now. I found the love of my life. I�m not missing out on anything. And maybe the bottom line is: there�s no getting it back. You can�t have it both ways. We can�t love each other (as friends or otherwise) the way we did and still have the relationships we�re in.
There�s still more to say about this. Again, I�ll say it tomorrow.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004