Diaries I Read:
OK, here�s the big update. This is the most eventful and significant thing I have had to write about in a pretty long time.
My high school reunion was this past Saturday. I was a little bit stressed out about it, but not as bad as I might have thought. I certainly tried to look my best, but I didn�t go to any huge lengths. But I think I looked pretty good � I had my new, sexy dress on, I managed to put my hair in a cute up-do (it really wasn�t that hard after Pascal showed me the tricks), and that was pretty much it, except for maybe a little more lipstick than usual.
Actually, though, I think I need to back up a day. Or back up a few years. OK, so in high school one of my very good friends was Leah, and one of J�s very good friends was Erik, and Leah and Erik started dating around the same time that J and I did. Anyways, they ended up getting married right after college and they�ve been married for six years now (geez, six years!). So, when J decided to cut me out of his life, he effectively cut many of his friends out of my life along with him. Among those friends were Leah and Erik. Of course, I could have still talked to her, but the whole situation just got really weird and we fell out of touch. To tell you the truth, it was a lot like a divorce where all the friends have to choose sides.
Well, earlier in the week I decided to call Leah since another member of our close-knit group, Andrea, was in town. She seemed genuinely happy to hear from me and we made plans to get drinks on Friday afternoon. So we met up and got caught up on each others� lives, and apparently (and this was no surprise to me), J is still very much a part of Leah and Erik�s life. The two guys are best friends and hang out all the time and so on. So as we were talking, Leah was all �J this� and �J that� and she was just talking about him like it was no big deal. And, in a way, it isn�t a big deal � or at least it shouldn�t be. But every time she said his name it was like a little prick in my heart. It almost makes me feel sick to talk/think/hear about him.
I don�t know if she read my reactions or not, but after a while she asked, �So, whatever happened with you two anyway? Don�t you ever see each other?� or something to that effect. I was a little taken aback and tried to briefly explain the situation, and I basically just said that J had called me five years ago, told me he could never speak to or see me again, and I hadn�t heard from him or seen him since then. She was acting a little like this was all news to her, and I said, �I can�t believe you don�t know this.� I mean, they know what kind of relationship J and I had. They were friends with him before and they�ve been friends with him ever since. How was it that I was telling her all this like she didn�t already know it? She said something about how J probably just told the story differently because he�s such the quintessential �nice guy.�
It was so weird. I tried to explain what had happened as briefly and non-dramatically as possible without undermining the significance of it. I tried not to cry, but I think she could see the effort it was taking. I told her how uneasy I was about seeing him and how I didn�t know if he�d even talk to me or what I had to say to him at this point. I told her how the whole situation just �makes me sad.�
So what I gathered from that little exchange is that nobody knows the truth. Nobody knows my side. My best guess would be that J explained away the situation by saying that we�d just �drifted apart� or something like that. And because I know J, I think he really believes that. I think he had to tell himself, and everyone else, that so many times so he could convince himself that it was the truth and not think about how much he was hurting me. I know that�s the case. I know it because the whole thing is so completely uncharacteristic. He IS a �nice guy.� He can�t help it. That�s why it was so hard for me to accept what he was doing to me. I kept waiting for him to call, to say he was wrong, to apologize, to welcome me back into his life. He didn�t. And the only way he could have kept himself from doing just that is if he convinced himself that me not being a part of his life was no big deal, that we�d just �drifted apart.�
I felt a little bit better having explained the situation to Leah. I don�t know why. I knew she�d tell Erik, and maybe I was hoping it would get back to J how I felt. Knowing that they were aware of the situation made me more hopeful that my encounter with J would be positive. Leah suggested that perhaps she could help make it easier.
So, I think that whole conversation made me feel a little more at ease about the next night. That�s not to say I wasn�t still nervous. But I knew I looked good. I had my handsome, loving, fun, wonderful husband with me. I had a handful of dear friends going with me. I�d had a couple of drinks. How bad could it be?
We got there and I saw him almost immediately. My first thought: he looked skinny. My second thought: his wife is not very pretty at all. I know, I know, that�s so terrible. I�m not saying she is ugly � not by any means. I guess you�d say she�s pleasant-looking. But she�s just not pretty. She�s plain. Boring. Non-striking. Nothing about her stands out. There�s no way to say this without sounding like a conceited snob, so I just don�t care: I�m a knock-out in comparison. And I don�t have the highest self-esteem in the world, so that�s saying a lot.
So there he was, sitting at the table right in front of us. I could see him and his wife the entire time. The strange thing was that it didn�t really bother me. I wasn�t uncomfortable having him in the room. I was aware of him, that�s for sure, but it didn�t seem like that big of a deal. Of course, I hadn�t talked to him yet, and I didn�t have plans to yet, but I was off to a good start.
For a while I made a pretty concerted effort to avoid him. At one point he was in a little circle of people right next to me, talking, and I had to turn my back and make a point of talking to somebody else. At another point, I was walking down the hallway with some people, saw him coming toward me, and merged to the outside of the group so we wouldn�t pass and, god forbid, make eye contact.
So that went on for a while and then I decided it was time to approach him and say hi and see what happened. But I was waiting for the right moment, the right situation. I didn�t want a lot of other people around. I didn�t want his wife to be right there. So I waited. Then, on my way back from the bathroom, I saw him again, made a little maneuver to avoid him again, and I was sort of standing in a group when he came up behind me, put his hand on my shoulder, and said, �Are you going to say hi?� I couldn�t think of the right response � my inclination was to be a little bitchy and refer to the fact that he�s the one who decided we couldn�t talk anymore � but I think I said something like, �I was wondering the same thing.�
So we talked. His wife was there when he first approached me. He introduced her, I shook her hand, and then she kinda moved aside and was talking with some other people. She never really went away, but she wasn�t part of our conversation either. We talked about everything. Our families, our jobs, his baby, how much he likes teaching, where we live, everything. He seemed genuinely interested in what was going on in my life.
One thing that bugged me was that he kept saying how he�d heard this about me and he�d heard that about me. He even made a point of telling me how he keeps his ear to the ground to hear about things I�m doing and stuff. Well, I hear things about him, too, but not because I make an effort to. I can�t put my finger on why that bugged me so much. I think it�s because he said it like he was proud of it, like it made him a good friend, like it shows that he still cares about me that he listens to the news in my life. Well, I don�t think that makes him a good friend. He gets no points for that. Maybe it shows that he still cares A LITTLE BIT, but if he really cared and if he were really a friend he�d know what was going on in my life because he�d know ME.
But I digress. And I don�t want that to make it sound like it wasn�t a good conversation. That was just one little sticking point. Overall, it was a good conversation. I did make one little jab at him when we were talking about the reunion committee and how I wasn�t part of it originally because the organizer (another of J�s best friends) never called me. J said maybe he didn�t know how to get in touch with me, and when I made a skeptical face, he admitted that it would be easy to get ahold of me since my parents still have the same address and phone number. And at that point, I couldn�t resist it (I didn�t try to resist it), I said, �Not that you�d ever use it.� I can�t explain how he reacted to it. There was maybe a flash in his eyes that acknowledged the hurt behind that statement. Maybe. I think there was. He didn�t say anything, though.
The other noteworthy part was when I said something about being glad that he had come and talked to me. I told him I was really glad because I had been anxious about seeing him and didn�t know what was going to happen. And that�s when we acknowledged how long it�s been and he said something to the effect of, �I know � things just got real crazy when I met Leah (his wife�s name is Leah too) � and�� I don�t know what else. But my point is that that�s as far as he went. He pretty much passes it off as �we just drifted apart.� And that�s where I return to the point I made earlier. He�s convinced himself that it wasn�t a big deal. And he never said he was sorry. He never recognized the fact that he hurt me.
There�s just one thing that suggests that he does know, deep down, how much he hurt me, though: several times during our conversation (at least three or four times), he said, �I�m just so glad that you�re happy.� He said it enough that it really stuck. And I think there more be more significance in that statement than you might think. I think that he�s so glad I�m happy BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT, FOR A LONG TIME, I WASN�T. And I think he must know, deep in his heart, that I wasn�t happy primarily because of him.
I guess I�m holding on to that thought a little. I don�t know why. I think it offers me a little bit of consolation, for some reason. It makes me feel better on some level. Maybe it makes me feel justified. Maybe it makes me feel like it was OK for me to have gone through so much pain. I guess I need him to recognize what he did to me. I want him to acknowledge my hurt.
I don�t know why that matters.
There�s more to say. I�ll say it tomorrow.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004