B and I had a wonderful anniversary. First we had dinner at a little restaurant recommended by a friend. The food was fantastic but the ambiance left just a little to be desired, especially considering their prices. But whatever. We drank champagne and exchanged cards and I gave B a version of the first part of yesterday�s entry. It was nice.

Then we went to the Improv, where a comedy group called The Right Stuff was performing. When I found out who was performing, I knew I had to take B to see it. It features �politically conservative comics,� and B is about as politically conservative as you can get. It was very funny, very good. We drank our two requisite drinks and enjoyed the show. We even won a drawing for a free book! Woo hoo!

When we got home, it was late and we were tired. Plus, I think the champagne and drinks stretched out over a four-hour period took their toll. So we just went to bed. It wasn�t until this morning (when B had to be up at 4:45 to catch a plane for a business trip) that I realized we hadn�t eaten any of our wedding cake top (yes, our two-year-old cake top � we only ate two pieces last year so we put it back in the freezer � I figured we�d take another chunk out of it this year, even though B swears it�s going to be �nasty�). We also didn't dance in the living room to �our� song. Oh well, maybe this weekend.

In other news, the shopping center near our house, the one I really really wanted for our PL store, accepted our bid for a rental space. We have a couple little points to negotiate on the rental agreement, but other than that it looks like it�s a go. So once we finalize the contract and sign the lease, we have 60 days to get the store ready and open to the public. Sixty days to finish construction inside the property (it�s a brand-new shopping center, so they�ve left the vacant properties sorta unfinished), get it set up with lighting and display shelves, get our inventory, hire a staff, attend a week-long training session in Philadelphia and a three-day computer training class somewhere in Canada, and actually open the doors to the public. It�s overwhelming and scary when I think about it in those terms, but I�m really pretty excited.

This means that once we sign the lease I�ll probably be giving my notice here at work. B and I talked about maybe trying to work out a part-time deal with my company during those 60 days before opening the doors. It might help my department (and us � half a paycheck is better than none!) make the transition. Who knows, though; it�s just an idea.

I think I�m going to run a marathon on December 5. It�s coming up very quickly. Pacer, my running friend, was planning to run it and my neighbor Mark and I talked about maybe doing it too and we figured why not. I feel a little silly admitting that one reason I want to run it is so I won�t break my marathon streak � I�ve run one marathon every year since 2001, and it�s now or never if I�m gonna fit one into 2004. (Remember, I couldn�t run the L.A. Marathon with all my friends in March because I�d just had my knee surgery.) Anyway, this means I have to really start ramping up my weekly mileage. Five or six-mile runs during the week, and weekend runs will get progressively longer. This Saturday�s supposed to be eight miles.

I also think I should probably get this marathon under my belt because, once we open up PL, who knows when I�ll have my next chance to commit the time to training for a marathon. I also figure that, if I�m gonna go off the pill, I�d better get my racing in now just in case.

Speaking of which, I have my doctor�s appointment on October 1, at which time I�m planning to discuss going off the pill and make sure there�s no reason I shouldn�t do so. I figure she�ll tell me about vitamins to take and whatnot. BUT now that it looks like PL is a go, I wonder if B might start back-pedaling on the issue.

Here are my thoughts about it. To most people, it probably sounds crazy to even consider going off the pill at the same exact time we�re embarking on a new business venture. Talk about bad timing. But on the other hand, I want to do this now. I figure it�s in God�s hands � if He wants us to have a new business AND a baby, then we will. And we�ll deal with it. If He doesn�t want us to have a baby right now, then it won�t happen and my pill status will be a moot point.

Then again, I do wonder if I�m just being stupid�

I had a weird dream last night. Usually I don�t like writing about dreams here, but this one�s been bugging me. I was at some sort of wine tasting party my mom was throwing. There were lots of people there, and one of them was my granddad (the one who passed away this February). It was the present day, so needless to say I was surprised to see my granddad there. I went up to my mom and whispered, �Mom, how is it that Granddad�s here?� I think I was almost wondering if I was the only one who could see him. And she replied with a lowered voice, �I don�t know. But just go sit next to him and talk.� It was like she couldn�t believe that he was there, either, but there he was and she was almost afraid that he might just disappear if she acknowledged his presence. And she wanted me to go spend time with him before he slipped away again. It was really kind of eerie. But nice too, in a way. And sad.

I�m having mixed feelings about those pictures I posted yesterday. I don�t know why I broke my rule about posting pictures of me and B on this site. I guess they just seemed so perfect, I wanted to share them. But don�t be surprised if I take them down.

Everywhere I look, every journal I read, everyone is talking about WW. I haven�t talked about it for a while, I know. This is mostly because there hasn�t been much to say. Nothing has changed. I haven�t lost an ounce since, like, May. Really. I haven�t followed WW religiously this whole entire time, but I haven�t gone too far off course. I did eat like crazy in Hawaii, and I could feel that I�d gained a couple of pounds, but I�ve since taken those pounds off again. I didn�t weigh myself for about six weeks or so because I was just so utterly frustrated with the whole thing that I didn�t want to torture myself anymore.

To recap, in April I reached my lowest weight. After that, I just kept putting it back on and putting it back on until I�d gained back about six pounds of the original 14 lost. After that point, I fluctuated two pounds back and forth and back and forth. And then I stopped weighing myself because I was making myself crazy. Now, after several weeks of not weighing myself, I finally got on the scale last Friday and found that I weigh EXACTLY THE SAME as I did the last time I looked. EXACTLY THE SAME. Down to the ounce. It�s so stupid.

So I really haven�t lost any weight for the last four months. Four months! Actually, it seems like ever since I started running again, I haven�t been able to lose an ounce. Sometimes I eat really well and count my points religiously and forego treats that I really want and run several miles every day and go to the gym during lunch, and I weigh exactly the same. And then sometimes I don�t count my points and I go out to lunch instead of the gym and eat nice dinners and drink beers and margaritas and skip a few runs, and I weigh exactly the same.

And I�ve heard it all. Some suggest that, with my running and everything, maybe I�m not eating enough. So I eat a little more and nothing happens. Then I think maybe the running doesn�t matter and I still need to limit my calories. So I eat a little less and nothing happens. Then I think maybe I�m putting on muscle weight at the gym and that�s tipping the scales. So I take a week off from the gym and nothing happens. And then there�s WW people talking about the �Wendie Plan� where you eat lots of points one day and then very few points the next day and normal points the following day and it�s all just too confusing to me. And then there�s the �CJ Plan,� which I think is something like the Wendie Plan but I just don�t know. And then, of course, there�s WW�s new CORE Plan, but from what I can tell that�s just WW jumping on the low-carb band wagon just like everyone else, and I just don�t want to do it. But I did start eating plain yogurt instead of my fruity kind, and I�ve been watching the rices and breads and all that. But still � you know what�s coming � nothing happens.

And then I think maybe I should just accept my body for what it is, and that is a body that has its problem areas but is generally fit. And I think I should probably try to still follow WW but without getting psychotic about it because it�s a healthy, balanced way to eat regardless of how much weight I lose or don�t lose.

But I really liked my body five pounds ago. I really did. All those new clothes I bought a few months back? They still fit, but not as well. They don�t feel as comfortable. I don�t feel as confident, as pretty. I find myself comparing myself to other women and wishing my legs were as skinny as hers, my hips were as slim as hers, my pants fell as nicely as hers. I don�t like feeling like this.

And it doesn�t seem fair. I�m doing everything right and it�s not working anymore. Why not? If you do A, B, and C, you�re supposed to get X, Y, and Z results. Isn�t that the way it works? Why isn�t it working anymore?

So I guess this week I�m testing yet another strategy. I ate pretty well on Monday. But yesterday I had pizza for lunch, champagne, a nice buttery shrimp dinner, a frozen banana dipped in chocolate and nuts, and two martinis. So far today I�ve had pizza again, frozen yogurt, and two mini Nestle Crunch bars. I haven�t run since Monday night and I�m not running til tomorrow. Let�s see if I weigh the same come Friday.

I suppose I�ve babbled on long enough. Oh, one more thing: our neighbor Heidi was hanging out topless in her kitchen again the other night. Hee.

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Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004

Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004

On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004

A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004

Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004