Diaries I Read:
It�s such a clich�.
My mother-in-law hates me.
Well, hate might be a bit strong. Let�s just say she doesn�t particularly like me.
She never has, really. From the first day I met her, I could tell she wasn�t crazy about me. Initially, this took me by surprise. I couldn�t imagine why she wouldn�t like me � I�m not perfect by any means, but I�m attractive, educated, employed, polite, and madly in love with her son. Really, what�s to dislike?
I�ve never quite figured it out, really. I think that, on some level, she blames me for B living in California and not Texas. But B had been here for several years before we even met.
Also, I�ve discovered she doesn�t really like any of her children�s spouses. Maybe nobody will ever be good enough for her kids. And especially for B, who I believe is her favorite.
Anyway, things were pretty uncomfortable between the two of us for the first couple of years that B and I were together. But in the last year or so, I felt like things were getting a lot better. Especially since B�s accident � I think I even mentioned before that I felt like his parents and I had crossed some sort of threshold and were finally forming a relationship with some substance.
So I was able to relax a little bit. When they came for this last visit, I felt more comfortable. I felt like I could be myself.
Apparently not.
B told me last night that he took the crew (mom, dad, aunt, and uncle) out to lunch yesterday, and he and his mom rode in the same car together. The whole way there, his mom �chewed him out� because he hasn�t been home to Texas enough this year. I think that was really unfair for her to give him a hard time about that. It has been longer than usual since he�s been home � since Christmas � but our lives have been crazy this year. It�s been one thing after another � my granddad dying and us having to go to New York, B�s accident, the PL business and our trip to Philadelphia, B finishing up his MBA � it�s been non-stop. And he has wanted to go to Texas � he�s mentioned several times that it�s been too long since he�s been home � he just hasn�t had a chance. Plus that, this visit was his parents� third trip out here this year. So it�s not like they haven�t seen him.
But it gets worse. After giving him a hard time, she started bad-mouthing me. I don�t really know the specifics (maybe she blames me for B not visiting Texas more often), but she did take one comment I�d made during their visit and totally twist it around. I explained to B that I hadn�t said what she was accusing me of, and he knows it. But it doesn�t matter. She hears what she wants to hear and uses it against you if it suits her purposes. What her purposes are, I�m really not sure.
So B said that she was bad-mouthing me, and that he basically told her to knock it off, that he wasn�t going to listen to her �crap.� (Good for him.) Then he says to me, �She did the same thing to me two days before our wedding.�
Wha?
I asked for an explanation and asked if she�d tried to talk him out of marrying me (which I know she did do at some point) and he said that she was just sitting around talking trash about me in front of his sisters two days before our wedding. And that he�d told her to shut up, that he loved me and was going to marry me and that he didn�t want to hear any more out of her. (Again, good for him.)
While this revelation about her pre-wedding abuse didn�t surprise me (I could tell even on our wedding day that she wasn�t thrilled about the events), it did hurt. I can just picture it and hear it. And I can�t even imagine what she was saying about me � it�s probably better that I don�t try.
But knowing that she was cutting me down yesterday is even worse. It�s worse because I thought we�d gotten past that. I thought I could finally let my guard down, that she could see that I was a good person and a good wife and that I made her son happy. You�d think that would be enough.
But I don�t think anything will be enough for that woman. I don�t think I could please her no matter how hard I tried.
So my first inclination is to just give up and say �screw her� and stop trying. But I can�t do that. I�m not going to sink to her level. I�m going to keep being friendly and keep sending her cards and Mother�s Day gifts and putting on a happy face when we see each other. I�m not going to give her any legitimate ammunition against me, so that if she wants to dislike me, she only has herself to blame.
It goes against every fiber of my nature to keep putting myself out there after I�ve been rejected over and over again. But I will do it because, even though B knows his mom is being unreasonable and selfish and mean, he loves her. And I love B. And I won�t ever put him in a position where he feels like he has to choose between us. She might put him in that position, but I won�t. In fact, she already has made him feel like he had to choose sides. And guess what? He chose mine. So if she insists on behaving like this, she�s going to be the one who loses out in the end.
I wish I understood why she acts like this. B says he thinks she�s jealous. Jealous of what, I don�t know. I think she�s acting extremely immature. B is a grown man and he�s made his choices and he�s living his life. And so far, he�s doing it well. She�s just acting like a spoiled little kid, trying to manipulate something that really isn�t any of her business anymore.
I�m going to stop now because this could go downhill fast. I don�t want to say bad things about her because I don�t want to give myself permission to think that way. Like I said before, I don�t want to sink to her level. She is a good woman in many ways and I know she was a good mom to B. But this is just not right.
I�ve been torn between wishing B hadn�t told me these things and being glad that he did. At least now I know that there�s no pleasing her. At least now I won�t entertain any delusions of the two of us forming a healthy, loving mother/daughter-in-law friendship. At least now I know that I can�t let my guard down with her because she�s ready to strike at any moment. It�s really disappointing, though, that things are still like this when I�d started to think we were past all this nonsense.
It does hurt me. I�m sensitive, and things like this really get to me. I don�t forget them. I won�t forget them. But I guess I�m starting to get a little numb about it. I�m trying to take my emotions out of the relationship so I won�t get hurt anymore. I know that being emotionally detached won�t help build up our relationship. But she�s already smashed it to bits anyway.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004