Diaries I Read:
I am a spoiled brat.
We�ve been trying to pull this Hawaiian vacation together, and I found all of these package deals online. Thing is, one of B�s brokers gave us $2100 in travel vouchers, which meant we had to make our arrangements through a particular travel agency. Granted, the travel agent was being pretty retarded about finding us a hotel and stuff, and it was really aggravating that she couldn�t seem to get deals similar to those I had found online. I started getting upset and frustrated with the whole process and even ended up in tears at one point.
I know what you�re thinking � oh poor, poor baby HAS to go to Hawaii and HAS to get $2100 in free money for her wittle trip. I hear ya.
So anyway, I got over myself. No, the plans through the agency weren�t exactly the same plans we�d had in mind originally, but let�s face it � we�re going to Hawaii. This Saturday. For 10 days. How bad can it be?
So now it�s time to get excited about everything. B�s family leaves today and we�ll have our house back to ourselves. Actually, B�s going to be out of town until Thursday night, too, which bums me out a little bit because I don�t like it when he�s gone. But to tell you the truth, having some true peace and quiet for a couple of days may be just what I need.
I think B and I have really reached full capacity. With the job change, the house full of visitors to entertain, the party, the last-minute business trip, making arrangements for the PL people�s trip out here, and trying to plan a vacation, we�re both feeling the pressure. It�s just all happened way too fast. Two weeks ago, everything was status quo with B�s graduation approaching and just weighing the PL decision. And now, in just a few days, I feel like our little world has started spinning out of control.
But there I go again, feeling sorry for myself because all of these wonderful things are happening. The graduation, the party, the visitors, the new job, the vacation � they�re all really good things, right? Why do I feel so overwhelmed then? I guess everything just seems to be changing really, really fast.
Have I ever told you that I don�t deal well with change? Well, I don�t. One of my parents� favorite stories to tell about me is the story of the Christmas tree. Throughout my childhood, we�d always put the Christmas tree in one particular corner of the living room. One year, however, we got new living room furniture, so when Christmas rolled around my dad set the Christmas tree up in a different corner of the room. Well, I came home and took one look at the arrangement, and I came unglued, insisting that that wasn�t where the Christmas tree belonged. I must have thrown quite a fit, because my parents ended up rearranging the furniture so they could put the tree in its �proper� place. And ever since then, the tree has been in the same corner each year.
I�ve gotten better about dealing with change only because I�ve gotten older and because life happens and I�ve had no choice. The world is not going to rearrange furniture to accommodate my silly whims. But still, I don�t like change. It�s hard for me. I am a creature of habit. I get comfortable and I like things to stay the way they are.
*****
Just to prove that I�m not the MOST ungrateful, spoiled brat in the whole world, I�ll share with you a conversation I had this morning with my co-worker, Princess.
Princess: When you and B got married, did B ever get upset about the amount somebody spent on your wedding gift?
Me: Um � no.
Princess: Really? Because Prince and I just got this wedding gift from one of Prince�s very best friends, and it only cost $30. And Prince is really pissed about it.
Me: Oh. Well, how did he know how much it cost?
Princess: He looked it up online.
Me: Hmm, well, $30 isn�t that much, but you can�t get upset about things like that.
Princess: Well, I know, and I told Prince just to let it go, but he was really upset about it and e-mailed his friend to ask if that was all he�d sent us or if there was supposed to be something else too.
Me: (Cringing) He DID?
Princess: Yeah, and I told him that he shouldn�t e-mail him, but he�d already done it. I said that when his friend gets married, we�ll just buy HIM a $30 gift, and then he�ll realize that it wasn�t appropriate.
Me: Hmm, yeah, okay. No, B doesn�t care about those kinds of things. After all, it is a gift.
Princess: Oh, I know. But I just think that�s wrong to only spend $30 on one of your best friends. Especially when he brought his girlfriend to the wedding and everything. I mean, you just don�t DO that.
And so on. You get the picture. Can you believe that? And she wasn�t embarrassed at all by her attitude. She really thought they were justified to feel slighted by this friend. How selfish and ungrateful can you be? And who goes online to look up a gift to find out how much money was spent on you? I was appalled.
*****
To shift gears entirely, have you ever noticed how many online journallers (journalists?) are depressed? Like, seriously depressed. But I think that�s just the nature of journallers. Most people who write are people who think deeply. And they write because they feel deeply. And those who overthink or overfeel will naturally be more depressed about life and the world around them, right? I used to be that way. I HAD to write things down to be able to deal with all of the emotions I had. So I guess it�s just the nature of the beast.
I still overthink and overfeel. Fortunately, though, I think I�ve got enough of a grip on life that I can handle my thoughts and feelings, for the most part. You know what�s scary, though? I think the only reason I have a grip is because of B. Sometimes that terrifies me.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004