Diaries I Read:
You know when you get that little burning half-vomit feeling in your throat, where you get a little burpy and you�re afraid you might actually throw up a little? I have that right now. I�m afraid my oatmeal from this morning is threatening to make another appearance. Maybe I�m getting the stomach flu. Hee.
I was falling asleep in front of my computer here a while ago and just couldn�t snap out of it. So I decided to take a little walk around the block. My old best buddy here at work, who moved to Atlanta a couple of months ago, and I used to take these little walks together at least once a day. We justified them because we don�t take smoking breaks as do a lot of people around here, and we figured fair is fair. Anyway, this was the first time I�d taken one of �our� walks since she left. It was kind of sad, walking it all by myself. But it felt good to get some sunshine and fresh air, and it seems to have woken me up.
I shouldn�t be tired this morning; after all, I had a very lazy weekend and got plenty of rest. Actually, this weekend I felt like I was at loose ends, and it felt weird, and I didn�t particularly like it. First off, I didn�t get up in time to meet up for my run with my running friends on Saturday morning � apparently I set the alarm for PM instead of AM. I have to say, I was sincerely disappointed to have missed out on the run. I had really been looking forward to getting a longer run in that day. Of course, I could have run in the neighborhood by myself, but I just didn�t feel like it. It�s not the same. So I didn�t run.
Later that day, my dad came by with my cousin to help me and B clean out the garage. There really wasn�t all that much to do � just finally get rid of several boxes of stuff that had been sitting around in the corner since our last garage sale. So we straightened things up and cleared stuff out and it was pretty satisfying. I also listed 57 books on half.com. I�ve never used that or e-bay before. I hope it works; it would be nice to get rid of the books and earn a little extra cash too.
Speaking of cash, B and I were filing some bills and receipts and whatnot and B started making comments about all the bills we�ve had to pay recently and how, basically, we have no money at the moment. He pretty much handles the money and I�m pretty clueless about it (which I don�t particularly like, but whatever), so I started digging a little deeper and asking him where all the money�s been going recently. He tells me about this insurance bill and that medical bill (yes, as you can imagine, the medical bills from his accident are starting to add up, even with our pretty good insurance) and then there is, of course, the huge check he wrote to Partyland the other day.
Huge check � Partyland � wha?
Well, let�s just say it appears that we are in fact moving forward with Partyland, as evidenced by said huge check that has been written and is in the mail. Let me explain.
After the visit with the Partyland people in Philadelphia, B and I had to make a decision about whether or not we wanted to take the next step. The next step is to give them a sum of money (half of the franchise fee), which signifies that we are committed to making this happen and that they will help us find a location for the store and negotiate a lease. That means they will make a trip out here, check out various location options, and meet with the leasing companies or whatever to try to come up with a reasonable lease agreement. If we find a location that everyone agrees upon and sign a lease, then we take the next step, which is giving Partyland the other half of the franchise fee and getting the ball rolling on actually opening up the store � ordering inventory, setting up display shelves, attending their training course, etc. If, however, we don�t find a location that everyone agrees upon, we can back out of the deal entirely and we get our money back less any travel expenses Partyland incurred while helping us with the location deal (not to exceed $2000). So, at this point, there�s still minimal risk involved.
Anyway, back to the decision part of this. Since returning from Philadelphia, our lives have been turned upside down a little bit by our five houseguests. Not that I didn�t enjoy having them with us; I did. Really. It�s just, you know how it is when you have visitors. Life just gets thrown off-course a little. And B and I just didn�t have all that much time to sit down and discuss everything, lay it all out on the table, and reach a decision together.
But B called me at work last week � maybe Wednesday or Thursday � and says something to the effect of �I just talked to Partyland Guy and he was wanting to know where we were with our decision, and he was saying how he�d like to see us move forward and see if we can find a location. And I sort of agree because there�s really no risk in having them come out here to try to find a location, and if we don�t at least take this step, then we�ll never know if it can work, and I just want to get this ball rolling.�
And I said, �Okay.�
In my mind, that �Okay� meant: yes, I�m following you and I understand what you�re saying and we should talk about it tonight and try to make a decision.
In B�s mind, apparently, that �Okay� meant: yes, I�m in this thing, so go write a gigantic check to Partyland.
Now, I could be upset with B for going and sort of making this decision all by himself and committing both of us to something that I hadn�t actually said I wanted to do. But the truth is that even if we�d sat down together and really talked it all out, in the end I would have said yes, let�s go for it. Because that�s what I�ve been wanting to say, only I�m scared. So I�m not upset about it; maybe I�m even a little relieved. But I did tell B that, when it comes time to make the next big decision and take the next step forward, we need to make sure the agreement is a little more official than just �Okay.�
So anyway, point is that we�ve written a very large check to Partyland plus paid attorney fees, etc. to set up our own corporation (which we�ll use even if Partyland doesn�t happen because we are going to start our own business at some point) and we�ve had a lot of other expenses come up lately, like our trip to Philly, and it just appears that we don�t have much disposable income at the moment. And it�s probably good that B doesn�t share much about our money situation with me (not because he�s being secretive; just because he has it under control and I don�t ask) because knowing what I know right now is stressing me out. No, we�re not going to have our electricity turned off or have our cars repossessed any time soon, but we also can�t go on any shopping sprees, and we should probably eat in for the next few weeks. That sort of thing just stresses me out.
See, I�ve always been pretty spoiled when it came to money. I�ve never been rich, but I�ve also never not been able to have something I really wanted, at least not because we couldn�t afford it. I�m not talking corvettes and designer clothes here; I�m talking about reasonable stuff. Like, if I want to go get a pedicure and pay $5 extra for flowers and a jewel on my big toe, I could. And if B and I wanted to treat ourselves to a nice dinner and a bottle of wine, we could. And now whenever I think of something I want to go do or buy, I stop myself and wonder if I really should, if I really can. I don�t like that.
And on top of all this stuff that�s been weighing on my mind, yesterday B told me that he was approached by a recruiter about a new job, and the guy doing the hiring is someone he knows from a previous job, and this job may potentially pay more money, and he�s going to interview for it. He says it would basically be the same job he�s doing now and he�d still work from home and everything. But still, it worries me because, if we open this store, I�m counting on him to be available to be very involved and help me out. And with his current job, we know he�d have that flexibility. With a new job, though, you never know. Of course, if it paid more money that would be very helpful because I�ll be losing my salary from this job, and it could take up to a year before we see much profit from the store, so in the meantime we�d be living on B�s salary alone. And then B tells me that he�s especially interested in this new job opportunity because he hasn�t been getting along with his boss lately and he thinks his boss �has it in� for him. This is another area where B usually protects me because he knows that telling me about his work concerns will only worry me. Well, he�s right. Now I�m worried. I�m worried about him taking a new job and starting something different and maybe not knowing what he�s getting himself into. But I�m also worried about him staying with his current job and maybe getting fired and then we�d be in a real pickle. He says I don�t need to worry about him getting fired because they depend on him too much, but still. I�m worried.
And it just occurred to me as I�m writing this that maybe this is the reason for that little throw-uppy feeling I have in my throat. The pressure is starting to get to me.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004