Diaries I Read:
I am a very modest person when it comes to my body. I grew up in a family that was modest � we never ran around the house naked, or even in our underwear, like some of my friends did. Even as a kid, I didn�t want anyone to see me dressing or undressing. And this only got worse as I got older. I would have rather died than shower in a locker room where other people could see me. I didn�t share dressing rooms with my friends. I went to the bathroom to change during slumber parties.
With guys, I was always uncomfortable and embarrassed about my body. When we did get intimate, I was hesitant to let them actually SEE me. The more I could keep covered up, the better.
It was the same with B at first. I�d stay under sheets, wrap towels and blankets around me, strategically position myself to avoid letting him get a good look.
I was thinking about this the other day as I stood in front of the mirror in our bathroom NAKED AS A JAYBIRD. Not just for a few minutes � I�m basically naked the whole time I get ready in the morning � from applying lotion/deodorant/perfume to drying/styling my hair to putting on makeup to brushing my teeth to taking my vitamins. B walks in and out, kisses me good morning, asks me questions, talks about his plans for the day. And there I am, naked. Butt naked. In my birthday suit. Au naturel. In the nude. Stark naked.
When did this happen? When did I suddenly become this exhibitionist?
More importantly, when did I become comfortable enough with myself � with my body � to look at myself naked in the mirror for more than a moment? Let alone let SOMEBODY ELSE see me naked for more than a moment?
Because the thing is, I still don�t love my body. I still see my flaws. Believe me. They�re there. I see them.
So I guess somewhere along the way I just got comfortable with my body, with myself. At some point, I must have believed that B meant it when he said I was beautiful. I must have learned how to trust him completely, with everything I am and everything I have. I must have realized that our relationship, our love, goes way beyond a butt dimple or two.
And that�s pretty cool.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004