Diaries I Read:
You know the primary reason I�d want to have a baby? I didn�t understand this before I got married � it never even occurred to me. The main reason � at least right now � that I�d want to have a baby is to produce something that is half-me, half-B.
Is that weird? I don�t know. Warning: this is about to get real cheesy.
It�s just that I love B so much, more than I ever imagined I could love a man, and to combine me and him together in an actual human being just kinda blows my mind. It�s almost like I would experience more of B � a different level of him and me � through this other person. Does that make any sense?
I�ve got babies on the brain again. Who knows why. Maybe because I went to a baby shower this weekend. It seems like everyone and her sister is having a baby these days. It makes me nuts sometimes.
B and I were at a restaurant the other night and saw a couple with a very cute, very fat-cheeked baby. B pointed him out to me. I said, �Let�s have a baby, B.�
He said, �Sure � whenever you�re ready.�
I replied, �Liar!� because I think he really doesn�t think now is the right time.
He looked at me and said, �Just stop taking your pill.�
I said, �No, not yet.�
He said, �OK then,� like he�d called my bluff and I was the real liar.
Then I said, cautiously, because I�ve never really said this out loud to him or indicated a specific time for having kids with any seriousness, �I think I�m going to stop taking the pill on my 30th birthday.�
He just sort of nodded and agreed, which also made me a little crazy.
I really have a hard time reading him on this subject. On the one hand, I think he�d be absolutely ready whenever I was. But it�s hard to know for sure. See, I know that he knows I�m really not ready yet, so when I suggest babies, he can answer either way, knowing it doesn�t really matter what he says because I�m not ready and it�s not going to happen any time soon. Did that make any sense?
To tell you the truth, his patience in this regard astounds me. He knows I get pretty freaky around the subject of babies, pregnancy, childbirth, etc., and he knows to just leave me alone and let me come to terms with it in my own time. The fact that he can just shut up and let me go round and round with the issue on my own is pretty remarkable. (And annoying.) Then again, he knows we have plenty of time right now. Maybe he wouldn�t be so patient if we�d been married longer or if I were older.
Anyway. What am I saying?
I�ve been going back and forth on this issue a lot lately. I don�t know why I even waste my energy worrying about it; it�s really a non-issue at this point. Maybe the worrying about it is just a part of being female.
On one hand, I really like my life right now. I could do without the 8-5 EVERY SINGLE day, but other than that, I have no real complaints. B and I are starting training for a triathlon, something we most certainly couldn�t do as easily with a kid in the picture. We spend our weekends napping, going to dinner with friends, seeing movies, lounging at the pool, etc. � also things for which a kid is not convenient We�re planning an Alaskan cruise for September and figuring out how we could fit a trip to Hawaii in this year too. We can do whatever we want at the drop of a hat, like a last-minute drive to Santa Barbara to see Jerry Seinfeld. We�re just generally pretty comfortable where we are in our life right now.
But then, having a baby would be really cool. We�d buy cute baby clothes and baby furniture and paint the bedroom and take it on our runs with us in a baby jogger. (I think I only want a baby for the accessories.)
But then, there�s pregnancy. I�m just now getting to a place where I�m happy with my body again. Do I really want to get all bloated and stretched out and fat-faced? (My new pregnancy fear is the fat face � seriously, have you seen the pregnant pictures of Kate Hudson? Scary.)
But there�s also Gymboree and first words and first haircuts and first steps.
But then there are breast pumps. (Ugh, the worst gift at the baby shower. I will never register for a breast pump, whether I really want one or not. That is not something I want a friend buying for me.) And nursing bras. And waking up at all hours of the night. And dirty diapers. And sanitizing baby bottles. And baby-proofing your house. And having little musical toys strewn all over the place.
Do you get the picture? This crap makes me goofy. But I guess if this journal were to make the decision, if word count counts for anything, the answer is clear. No babies yet.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004