Diaries I Read:
I have a secret.
I�m going to share it with you. Only you. Do you feel special?
A couple of days ago, I signed up for Weight Watchers Online.
Why is this a secret? I don�t know. For some reason, and it�s probably totally unfounded, I find it embarrassing.
Because WW is for fat people, right? It�s for my mother-in-law. It�s for the fat lady on TV. It�s not for me. Right?
The other reason I�m keeping it a secret is because I just don�t want it to be a topic of conversation at work. The group of women I work with is insane. They�re obsessed with their weight and their diets. Since I�ve worked here, the group has probably been on 20 different diets, collectively. At any given time, someone�s not eating carbs, someone�s not eating fats, and someone�s just not eating at all.
Frankly, I think this is the source of a lot of my problems. Because before I started working here, I had pretty much come to grips with my food and weight issues.
Of course, then I went on the Adkins diet with B. That was a disaster. I followed that up with about a month of bingeing.
Then I went on the South Beach diet. That was OK, but I didn�t stick with it. I also followed that up with about a month of bingeing.
Then I was utterly confused about what to eat � low-fat or regular fat? Carbs or no carbs? Do calories matter or not? And I ended up just eating anything. And everything.
Then I tried to simply cut all the �junk� out of my diet. I followed that up with a couple weeks of bingeing.
Then came the holidays. And my birthday (and that darned ice cream cake).
And of course, throughout all of this, my running has been minimal at best.
So it finally hit me. I have gained a LOT of weight. People around me might not think so. Or maybe they just think I�ve always been chunky. B does not seem to see it. (Or else he�s just really smart and a great liar.)
But I finally got to the point where I realized that this was getting out of control and I had to get a handle on it. I�ve been unhappy with my body in my clothes for too many months now. I�m getting to the point where I only want to wear sweats because everything else is uncomfortable. And I know I don�t look good. I�ve even been avoiding looking in the mirror because I know I won�t like what I see.
And the WW Online thing is actually pretty cool. They keep track of everything you eat and add up your points for you. They have hundreds of really good (so far) recipes that are pretty easy to make (even I�VE been cooking!). They have lists that give you the points value of nearly any food you can think of. They even have the points value of lots of meals in restaurants.
So far it�s been pretty easy. I don�t feel hungry, and I�ve eaten fewer points than I�m allowed since Sunday. Of course, I�m only three days into this thing. Maybe the hunger is cumulative and I�ll be famished by Friday.
So far so good, though. I weigh myself tomorrow, although I think it might be too early to have really lost any weight.
The key here is going to be to stick with it. With the three plans I�ve tried recently (Adkins, South Beach, no junk), I�ve made it exactly one week. One week before I give up for one reason or another. Usually it�s because I cheat over the weekend and figure it�s no use starting up again.
But I think this might be different. For one, I�m paying for it, and I�ve already paid for three months, so I�m determined to make it at least those three months. And if I make it that long, I should get down to where I want to be. I don�t have THAT much I�m trying to lose.
So that�s my secret. Shhhh. Don�t tell.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004