Diaries I Read:
So.
During lunch today, I went home and took a pregnancy test.
Yeah.
Here�s the thing. The last time I went to the doctor, she told me that, if I wanted to, I could take my pills so that I�d only have a period once every two months instead of once a month. As you can imagine, I was all over that plan. B liked the sound of it, too.
So far, it�s been going without a hitch. No problems whatsoever. This week was supposed to be the week that I went off the pill and had my period. So on Monday, I went with the plan.
Monday went by; Tuesday and Wednesday went by � nothing. Frankly, I didn�t even think about it. Sometimes it takes a couple of days to kick in, and believe me, I didn�t feel like I was missing out on anything.
Then yesterday � Thursday � I was using the bathroom and I thought to myself, �Hmm, it�s Thursday, and still nothing has happened. Cool. Maybe I won�t get my period at all for four whole months!�
But then another thought crossed my mind: There ARE reasons why one might miss a period.
�Noooooooooooooooooo,� I thought.
I thought back over the past couple of months. I hadn�t forgotten to take a pill. I hadn�t even been late to remember to take it. I hadn�t been on any antibiotics. I didn�t feel any different.
No, I was sure I wasn�t pregnant.
Or was I?
Once that little flash of an idea entered my mind, it wouldn�t go away. �MAYBE,� I thought.
And then that MAYBE started growing. And growing.
I went home last night and B and I were standing in the kitchen, and I was thinking about it. He looked at me and said, �What?�
�Nothing,� I said.
He looked at me harder. I looked back at him. �What?� he repeated.
�Well,� I said. �I�m going to tell you this only because it will make me feel better to tell somebody else.�
So I told him.
And you know what? He didn�t really have much of a reaction at all. He suggested that I call my doctor. He asked if I had a pregnancy test I could take. But he didn�t freak out. He didn�t get excited. It was as if I had told him that I might get a pedicure this weekend.
The more I thought about that, the more it bugged me, so later last night I asked him about it. He said he just wasn�t worried because he didn�t think I was pregnant.
And frankly, I didn�t think so either. When I thought about it logically, it just didn�t make sense. It didn�t add up.
But then today came. Another day. Now it was Friday � four whole days away from Monday � and still no real evidence. So there was still that MAYBE.
I told one friend at work about it this morning. And I think that did me in. Once I said it out loud to her, the MAYBE really began growing. You know how it goes � I started imagining how I would tell B, how I would tell my parents. How long I�d wait to tell everyone else. How I probably wouldn�t be able to go on the cruise to Alaska this coming September. How we�d have to shop for furniture. How we�d have to paint the extra bedroom.
And then, I have to say, the MAYBE started feeling different. It started feeling like something tinged with hope.
Hope!?! Yeah, I know! It surprised me too!
When I really thought about the logistics of it, I knew that this was still something we didn�t really want right now. It wasn�t something we�d planned on for right now.
But, then again, it wouldn�t necessarily be a bad thing, either.
So then I really started freaking out. I drove myself to the drug store on my way home. I tried to think of some other items to buy along with my test � like batteries or toothpaste � just so it wasn�t so obvious. But then I thought, �Who am I kidding?�
My heart was pounding so loud as I walked up the store aisle with the big sign reading �Family Planning� above it. I quickly scanned the options and chose one with two tests in it, just in case. (On a side note, those tests are expensive! They had a generic store brand one that was half the price of the name brand, but I figured this wasn�t the thing to skimp on.)
I walked to the front of the drug store, trying to be casual. There were two checkers � one was a lady in her 60s; one was a guy about 19 or 20. I stood in the lady�s line. But the guy finished with his customer first and said, �I can help you over here.� So I walked over, feeling embarrassed as I placed the box on the counter.
(Tell me this: Why did I feel embarrassed? I�m a married woman, about to turn 29 years old. I�m not a 15-year-old who had a drunken one-night stand in the back of her boyfriend�s car. For all anyone knows, I�m planning to have a baby, and I�m buying this test because I�m so excited to find out that I�m finally pregnant. But no. I felt like a 13-year-old buying maxi pads for the first time and finding that the kid ringing me up is my crush�s older brother. Geez.)
So I got through the anxiety of actually purchasing the test, and I couldn�t get home fast enough. By this point, I couldn�t even decide what I wanted the results to be. I changed my mind by the second. One moment I�d be running through potential baby names, and the next moment I�d be stressing over whether or not my belly button would pop out and show through my shirt.
I let Dixie into the backyard and went upstairs immediately, tore open the box, and skimmed through the directions. I did what I had to do and placed the little stick on the counter. It said to wait three minutes to see if a second pink line appeared. Second pink line: pregnant.
The clock read 12:09. I was waiting for 12:12. But then again, I didn�t know how far into 12:09 it had been when the clock started running, so I figured I should really wait til 12:13. I stood there watching the two little windows on the stick. Nothing was happening. It was making me crazy. It was still 12:09.
I walked downstairs and got a glass of water. I let Dixie inside. I went back upstairs. 12:11. Still no sign of a second pink line. By that point I was pretty sure that�s how it was going to stay.
Somehow I made it to 12:12 and then 12:13, just to be safe.
Only one pink line.
Not pregnant.
For a moment � just a passing moment � I felt something like disappointment.
It�s not that I AM disappointed. I�ve explained all this before. This is not what we want right now. If it was, I wouldn�t be taking the pill.
But I did FEEL disappointed, if only for a few moments.
And I think that�s probably a big deal.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004