Diaries I Read:
I can remember clearly the first time I became self-conscious about my body. I was about eight years old, and we were doing our warm-ups at gymnastics. We would start by running laps around the floor exercise mats, then doing little skips and hops around the mat. So here we are, all of these little tiny pre-pubescent girls skipping around in just leotards.
One of the walls was covered in mirrors, and it�s hard not to at least catch a glimpse of yourself. So I�m hopping by and I saw myself in the mirror from the side. I was teeny-tiny � probably under four feet tall and about 60 pounds. What I noticed, though, was that all the other little girls had these little flat butts and mine � well, it wasn�t flat. It was round and it stuck out. It was a bubble-butt.
I then spent a lot of time examining my body in the mirror in comparison with the other girls. Of course, we were all different, and there were others with bubble-butts. But for the most part, they all had flat butts.
Then I think I came to terms with my butt. It was actually very cute � what I wouldn�t give to have that little butt back. But then I started worrying about my chest. As I turned twelve and 13, all my friends started getting boobs. I was never genetically destined to have a huge chest, but it was the gymnastics that really did me in. I just didn�t start puberty. So while all of the girls around me were going through these changes, I wasn�t. For the most part, I didn�t care. But when it came to the boobs issue, I started becoming more and more uncomfortable with myself.
I was fine when I was in the gym � all of us were flat-chested. But everywhere else I went, I was obsessed with looking at other people�s boobs � not in a dirty way. It just seemed like everyone had them except me.
I finally went through puberty when I was 16, and I got boobs � not big ones, mind you, but enough so I started looking my age. That began what were probably my best three years � 16, 17, and 18 I looked pretty good.
Then I went to college and started noticing that a lot of other girls still had these skinny little stick legs and I � well, didn�t. My legs had always been very muscular, and again, I guess I wasn�t genetically destined for skinny legs. And then when I gained a little weight in college, it became even worse.
So where am I now? Well, I�m fine with my boobs. Frankly, I just don�t care. They fit my body. When I very first started running, they shrank a lot. Like a whole bra size. But, like I said, I didn�t care. I�d give the boobs up in a second if it meant I�d be skinnier.
My butt? Well, it�s still a bubble-butt, only it�s bigger now and not nearly as cute. I think it�s on the big side, but B constantly tells me it�s fine. (I love him so much, that little liar of mine!)
But the bubble-butt has started sliding down to my hips too. When I was measured for my wedding dress, the ***** of a saleslady told me that I was a perfect size 6 in my bust and waist, but around the hips I was a size 12! I wanted to slap her, not only because she said what was clearly rude and unnecessary but also because, frankly, I think she lied. She still recommended that I get a size 6, and let me tell you, that dress fit me perfectly, thank you very much. (I�m the first to admit to my bubble-butt, but it�s maybe an 8, not a 12 � geez!)
My legs. I know I�ll never have skinny legs because they�ve only been �skinny� twice in my life. The first time was during my junior year in college when I tried to starve myself for several months (my mom freaked out when she saw me and wouldn�t let me get away with it anymore when I came home for the summer, so that was the end of that). The other time was after I graduated and I got pneumonia and was sick for three months and lost about 20 pounds. So that tells me that a healthy me just doesn�t come in a skinny-leg version. Anyway, as long as I stay in shape I can stay fairly satisfied with my legs. But when I stop working out, they start getting flabby. Big and muscular is OK � I can deal with that � but big and flabby is unacceptable.
I will say that I have one good body feature, and that is my stomach. It�s very flat, and I just don�t get fat there. I�m sure if I gained enough weight, it would eventually go to my stomach, but for now it pretty much enjoys hanging around my hips and thighs. My abs are pretty good, especially if I do sit-ups and stuff. My stomach gets really toned, and I even have a little 4-pack of sorts.
(I�m sure anyone reading this who has a little belly hates me right now. Sorry. But chances are, you�ve got skinny legs and a skinny butt. You can wear tight little pants and skirts and shorts. So I can wear a crop top � big deal. How often can you really wear a crop top? Be happy with your nice legs and little hips.)
What�s my point? Basically that I�ve had body issues for nearly 20 years now. BUT when I started running almost three years ago, those issues started to magically go away. Yes, I did lose a little weight. That was definitely part of it. But even more important was that I realized what my body was and was not capable of looking like. When you�re running six miles every weekday, and sometimes running 30 miles in a weekend, and you can run a marathon, and you still have cellulite on your thighs, that pretty much means the cellulite is there to stay. There�s not much you can do about it.
So I guess that running made me accept myself. I knew I was in the best shape I could be in, and you really can�t ask anymore of yourself. So my body image definitely improved. For the first time in years and years, I felt good about myself, flaws and all.
However, those days have come to an end. As I�ve said, I�m having a lot of trouble with my knee, and I haven�t really run for almost six months. It�s definitely made a difference. Most people probably wouldn�t even notice � it�s not like I�ve gained 20 pounds or anything. But I�m just softer, squishier, and my clothes don�t fit as well. It�s really depressing.
It�s bumming me out big time. I�ve written about different diets I�ve tried over the last few months, and the conclusion I�ve come to is that I hate diets. Nobody really LIKES diets, I know, but I�ve decided they just don�t work for me. (Maybe if I were really overweight, it would be different. But at this stage, when I�m just a little dissatisfied, they�re not the answer.) All they do is make me want the food I�m not supposed to have. And after being really good for a week or so, I fall off the wagon and revert to eating even worse than I did before I started the whole thing. And if I say I�m going to stick to a certain diet and I fudge a little bit, then I figure the whole thing is doomed and, again, I eat even worse than I ever would have before.
And basically, diets just make me unhappy. They make me feel guilty about what I�m eating and conscious about everything I put in my mouth. They really put a damper on my day.
I just want the old days back, like when I was running consistently, when I ate what I wanted (not to any extremes, of course) and I just didn�t worry about it because I was putting in so many miles that it didn�t matter. In fact, I needed to eat well to be able to run like I was. That was healthy. I want that back.
I just feel fat right now. I know if I said that in front of B or my mom or any one of my good friends, they�d make a big fuss and roll their eyes and tell me to shut up. But I�m not saying that I think I AM fat. I�m saying that I feel fat. They are two very different things.
One of the things people criticize the most about gymnastics is that it gives young girls poor body images and eating disorders. I think the critics will say anything, and there are a MILLION things bombarding girls every day that give them poor body images and eating disorders. But I have to say this � I wonder how different I�d feel today if I�d never noticed my little nine-year-old bubble-butt in that mirror at gymnastics practice?
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004