Diaries I Read:
Reading about Christopher Reeves� death fills me with a heavy sadness. Because here was this man � this strong, handsome, active man � out living his life, doing something he loved and then, in an instant, everything changed forever.
He got up that morning and drank his coffee and ate his eggs or whatever he used to do in the mornings, and he kissed his wife and he hugged his kids and he walked to his car and he got up on that horse and I�ll bet that he never dreamed that he�d never walk back into his house again. It happens so fast and there�s no going back.
He was very brave and very optimistic, and I admire him for embracing the life that he had. And as sad as it is that he�s gone, it�s a bit of a relief, too. I hated seeing him like that, so stiff and expressionless and dependent on machines and other people. As much as he tried to fight back, it was hard to see him living in that body that didn�t want to work anymore. I�ll bet his family feels some relief too. I hope so.
I guess his accident and his death hit me especially hard because we were THIS close to being in the same situation. Sometimes I forget how close we came. But had B jumped just THIS much higher or fallen THIS much harder or come down THIS much to the left or right, or had the wind been blowing a different direction, he might not be walking today. It�s so scary how fragile life is. Especially when we go about our business day to day, complaining about trivialities and getting hung up on nonsense. My husband is walking. God, my husband is breathing.
We all need these little reminders now and then to not take things for granted.
I gave my notice at work today. Naturally, I was very stressed over it. We didn�t want to do it now, before signing the lease and making everything official, but B and I sat down with the calendar last night and decided it just had to be done. We�re leaving in two weeks for our training, and after that I have to go to Ontario, Canada for another training, and then it�s going to be Thanksgiving, and we�re just running out of time.
So I had a meeting with my boss and told him what was going on and told him he could consider this either two weeks� notice or three weeks� notice with me taking vacation time for the third week. I told him that there was a slight chance everything would get pushed back a couple of weeks and I�d end up with a little more time than I�d expected, but for now we had to work under the assumption that October 22 will be my last day.
Anyway, it went really well. He didn�t act as surprised or disappointed as I thought he might. (Actually, that was my experience when I resigned from my last job, too.) But I guess that�s the professional way to react. He was cool about it, and said he was excited for me and B and bummed to see me go. But it wasn�t nearly as bad as I�d feared it would be.
But now, after all these months of saying I just wanted to quit this job and be done with it, now I feel torn. I mean, there are a lot of things I�ll actually miss about this place. It�s become comfortable.
And now all of this is becoming really REAL. I mean, I�m quitting a decent, well-paying job working with people I like to go manage a party supplies store? It sounds sort of ridiculous when you put it that way. So I can�t think about it that way. I�m leaving a job that doesn�t challenge me or inspire me to open my own business where I can put my creativity and efforts to work to build and grow something that�s mine. At the end of the day, my efforts will be worth something. At the end of the day, I�ll feel like I�ve accomplished something significant.
I hope.
It�s scary. Really scary. But exciting too. I have to focus on the exciting aspect of it, not the stuff that scares me to death and keeps me awake at night.
I ran the Long Beach Half Marathon yesterday. I finished in 2:04:15. My goal time was 2 hours, and obviously I missed that by a few minutes. I know four minutes doesn�t sound like very much, but it sort of is. It�s a big deal because I really think I could�ve run it four minutes faster. It�s not that I didn�t try hard or push myself, but I think I could have pushed harder. It�s just that when you�re running 13 miles, you kind of feel like you need to hold something back, conserve some of your energy, or you won�t make it. At least, that�s how I feel. I think I�m afraid of pushing myself as hard as possible because I think I�ll burn out and end of having to walk at the end or, worse, not finishing at all. So I hold back, and then when it�s all over I feel like I should have just gone for it.
The other thing that�s bugging me is that my neighbor, Mark, beat me. He finished in 2:03:30. I know, I know, it�s only 45 seconds. He started running up ahead of me around mile 11, and I just let him go because I was struggling a little bit at the end. 45 seconds is nothing. It�s just the principle. I�ve been the one carrying him along through all of our training runs. I�m the one who�s been out there at 5:30 in the morning while he sleeps in and skips the run. I�m the one who�s run many half-marathons whereas this was his first. And he beat me. It just irks me.
But I did it, and I should be proud of myself.. It was more for training and practice for the marathon anyway. I ran 13.1 miles yesterday. How many people can say that?
And now, looking back at the beginning of this entry, I realize how silly it is to quibble over 45 seconds or four minutes. I ran 13.1 miles. I got out of bed today. That's enough to make me feel lucky.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004