Diaries I Read:
Last night we invited ourselves over to our neighbors� house to use their hot tub. We got in and drank some wine and just relaxed. Then B gets real serious-like and says, �I want to ask you something.�
Me: �OK.�
B: �Do you think you could handle managing Partyland during the day all by yourself?�
Me: �I don�t know.�
B: �No, really. I�m asking if you think you could manage the store on a daily basis, from like 10 to 5.�
M: �I know what you�re asking. I don�t know. I don�t know if I could handle it. That�s what scares me about the idea of you taking a different job.�
And then we had a long conversation about his current job, the prospective jobs he�s interviewing for, the thought of having more money, what working in an office would mean for him and for us, how his changing jobs influences our views on starting another business, what I can handle in terms of running the store, and what each of us wants out of this whole scenario.
There are so many variables right now, so many unknowns. We don�t know how taking a different job would pan out for B, how it would affect our lifestyle. We don�t know exactly what this company means when they say he�d have to work from the office �sometimes.� We don�t even know if they�re going to offer him the job, really. (But I think they will; it seems like they want him pretty badly.) We don�t know what running Partyland is really going to be like, how demanding and stressful and time-consuming it will be. We don�t even know if Partyland is going to happen; there are still a lot of factors hanging in the balance there. And then, we�re looking at all of this stuff from the situation we�re in now; namely, sans kids. But realistically, I�m thinking I want to get pregnant some time in 2005. And how will that play into all of this?
And then, if B gets another job that pays as REALLY well, do we even keep pursuing Partyland? B says yes, because he says that regardless of how much money he makes, eventually he wants to be running his own show; he doesn�t want to be dependant on an employer. He wants to have his own business. And the goal is that, once we get this store off the ground we�d open another one, and another one, and eventually neither of us would have to do anything except overlook their management from a distance. That�s the goal anyway.
But ever since B said a few days ago that this new job would pay him so much money I wouldn�t even HAVE to work, it�s gotten me thinking. It�s funny; you always think it would be so great not to have to work, but when that becomes a real option, somehow it doesn�t sound quite so enticing. I mean, what would I do with myself? It would be a different story if we had kids. But right now, what would I do? So I started thinking about how I would most like to spend my time if money didn�t matter. And my answer surprised me. If money didn�t matter, I think I�d like to teach part-time at the college level again. And I�d like to go back to school to get my Ph.D. or another Master�s degree. I�m not saying I�m going to do either of those right now; I was just a little taken aback by my own thought processes.
But something has to change for me and the job situation. I�ve said it before; I feel guilty complaining because I have a good job with a good company and good co-workers. But this job and this environment aren�t for me. I�m not cut out for this kind of lifestyle. And ever since we started pursuing Partyland, I�ve been in the mindset that my job here is short-term. So if all of a sudden Partyland fell through, I�d still have to make a change. At the very least, I�d have to make a big attitude adjustment. But I think it would be more than that. I don�t want to do this for very much longer.
So we went round and round with everything last night. We didn�t reach any conclusions, but it was good to get it all aired out. Finally, when we�d exhausted ourselves and the issue, we went home and got into bed. And then we did something that we haven�t done since our wedding ceremony. We prayed together. It wasn�t long or fancy or eloquent, but we put the TV on mute and held hands and just asked God to make the answers clear to us. We realize that we can�t figure out all of this stuff on our own, and we really need Him to show us the right path.
It was good. We�ve been needing to do that for a while. It�s funny, I can tell B anything and be totally vulnerable with him, but for some reason praying together is something I�ve been sort of afraid to do. The saying goes that �those who pray together stay together.� I think this was way overdue. And once we did it, it felt totally natural and not scary at all. It was kind of a big step for us, actually. It�s a very intimate thing.
When all this stuff is going on and so many things are up in the air, there�s one thing I feel good about and find some peace in � B and I are on the same wavelength. We want the same things, and we�re approaching all of these decisions as a team, considering how they will affect both of us individually and how they�ll affect us as a couple. It�s really comforting to know that we�re coming from the same place here. It makes it a teensy bit less complicated.
And I think what we have to do is take everything a step at a time. If he gets offered a new job, we�ll make that decision. And then we�ll see how Partyland pans out and make another decision. I think that�s the only way to approach it � one thing at a time. Otherwise it gets too overwhelming.
In other news, we went to the Men�s Wearhouse last night and bought B a new suit, a sports coat, and four pairs of slacks. Man, that stuff adds up. I don�t begrudge him any of it; he�s been wearing the same suit since right after college, and he really did need his wardrobe updated. And we got some nice, good-quality stuff that he�ll wear for several years.
BUT, with that said, I also have to say that I find it strangely amusing and frustrating that we just spent A LOT of money (and we still have to get shirts, ties, and shoes after the new clothes are tailored) on clothes for B a week after our conversation about how we don�t have any money and need to really watch our spending. Because ever since then, I�ve been stressing over every penny I spend, feeling guilty about getting a pedicure, feeling uncomfortable about going to the grocery store without coupons. And then B turns around and decides that now is the time to invest in a brand-new wardrobe. It�s very confusing to me! And he does this all the time; he�ll make a comment about how money is a little tight and we have to keep an eye on our spending, and then he�ll turn around and buy two brand-new computers, or something. This isn�t the first time.
And it just makes it hard for me because, like I said before, I�m not used to having to pay close attention to my spending. So when B does stuff like this, it makes me think that no matter how tight things seem to be, we always do have the money, somewhere, somehow, to do or buy whatever (within reason, of course) we want. I wish I had a better understanding of our finances. I should try to be more involved in that stuff.
Anyways, that�s what�s going on. This weekend B has to write his final paper for his MBA program, which he finishes on TUESDAY! And then he graduates next Saturday! Woo hoo! It will be such a relief to have him finished with school. But that means that I have to spend this weekend preparing for his parents, aunt, and uncle to arrive next Wednesday, his best friend to arrive next Friday, and about 70 people at our house for a graduation party on Saturday. I have to clean the house, order food, and buy decorations. So it will be a busy weekend.
Also, my 5K is tomorrow morning. My goal time is 25 minutes. Since this is really my first 5K, I don�t know if that�s a realistic goal or not, so we�ll see.
I�m hoping to get out of work early today. It�s really quite exhausting to sit around doing nothing for nine hours.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004