Diaries I Read:
Last night should have been a really pleasant evening. It started off that way, at least.
When I got home, B had already started marinating chicken. That made me happy because that meant a) I wouldn�t have to cook and b) we were having chickenonthegrill, which is one of my favorites (B really knows his way around a BBQ).
So he grilled up the chicken, I steamed some yellow squash, we threw together a salad, and we opened up a bottle of red wine. It was so perfect outside that we ate dinner on the patio in the back yard. It really doesn�t get much better than that.
But I was REALLY really tired, for some reason. And then my mom called me to report all kinds of drama that�s going on with my grandmother in New York and my cousin who�s staying with my parents for the summer. It�s complicated, somewhat boring stuff, so I won�t go into it right now. I imagine I may have to tell you about my grandmother at some point. Let�s suffice it to say that *supposedly* she�s dying. I know that sounds heartless and cold to say it like that, but I do love her and of course I don�t want her to be sick. Like I said, it�s complicated.
So my mom talked my ear off for a while about all this stuff that just stresses me out, and I�d had a hint of a headache before, and it started getting worse. So I went upstairs to lie down for a while and B went out to rent us some movies and I made it through about 30 minutes of �50 First Dates� before I fell asleep. That was about 8:30 or 9:00, probably. The next time I woke up, it was midnight. I went back to sleep and slept un-soundly until about 5:30 am.
Anyway, I got plenty of sleep. But I�m feeling agitated and anxious and a little bit sad. Here are the reasons why, I think.
We�re leaving next week for our trip to Pennsylvania to check out the whole buying a franchise thing. Needless to say, that is a big deal. Getting into this business is a huge commitment and a huge step and I go back and forth between really wanting to do it and really wanting to run screaming from the whole idea. And apparently B has just decided to put the entire issue out of his mind for the time being, so when I pick his brain on the subject he has nothing to offer. I just feel a tremendous amount of pressure about the whole thing and it�s weighing on my mind all the time. Even when I�m not consciously thinking about it, it�s there.
As I mentioned before, there are issues going on with my grandmother. More importantly, these issues are causing issues for my mother, who is turning to me for guidance and support. As far as guidance goes, I try, but it�s really an impossible situation with no real solution. As for support, I will do that as much as I need to. But that�s not to say it isn�t exhausting.
A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that my friend�s mom was dying of cancer. Well, she passed away on Tuesday night. Apparently she was in so much pain toward the end that her passing was somewhat of a blessing. But I still feel this incredible sadness for my friend. Just thinking about the possibility of losing my mom breaks my heart, and I feel sick about what my friend must be going through. It�s just a weight of sadness hanging over me for that family.
I gained 2.2 pounds again. I�ve just been gaining and losing the same two pounds for about the past six weeks. I�m not depressed about it like I was last time, but I am VERY frustrated. I feel like this whole diet thing is getting really old. I have no problem with it if it�s working, but for the last couple of months it just hasn�t been. Working, that is. I just don�t know if I�m doing something wrong or simply expecting too much out of myself. I don�t want to make excuses, but I also don�t want to make myself crazy. I just sorta wish I didn�t care so much.
I have a bunch of crap hanging over my head here at work and it�s the stuff I most dread doing so I keep putting it off. Which only makes it worse and drags it out and makes me want to do it even less. I need to just suck it up and get it done.
I just want the weekend to be here. I want to lie out by the pool, read my book, and stop worrying about these things. And I don�t want Monday to come.
My good friend Karen and I had a word for this feeling when we were in high school: �Bleh.� I just feel bleh.
Bleh.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004