Diaries I Read:
Beginning in late November every year, if you drive around town you will notice Christmas lights and decorations popping up everywhere you look. I like it when this happens. The lights and wreaths and poinsettias make me happy. They put me in the Christmas spirit. They make me feel more like a child.
However, for every beautifully decorated house you pass, there are at least two TACKY houses. Over the last 28 years, I have been forming very decided opinions about what constitutes tackiness in outdoor Christmas decorating. By listing these offenses, I hope to educate those around me so they won�t fall victim to tackiness. You may not agree with my opinions. I don�t care.
1. Non-Christmas-colored lights. It�s Christmas � use the white lights* or the multi-colored lights. If you must, use red or green lights. But don�t use just blue lights or just orange lights or, God forbid, just pink lights. It�s not right.
2. Mismatched lights. Choose your light type and stick to it. Don�t use white lights for one tree, multi-colored lights around your windows, and red and green lights on your rooftop. The same goes for blinking lights. Don�t link a strand of blinking lights to a strand of non-blinking lights. Either blink or don�t blink.
3. Big plastic light-up figurines. I don�t care if it�s a Santa, a Frosty, or a Baby Jesus, big plastic light-up figurines are just tacky. Don�t use them. (If you�re going to insist on using big plastic light-up figurines, don�t overdo it. Just use one or two. And stick to one theme. Don�t put big plastic elves dancing around the Mary, Joseph, and Jesus-filled manger. And keep the proportions right. It looks really stupid when you have a 6-foot Santa Claus next to a 3-foot light post.)
4. A mix of secular and religious themes. If you�re going with the three wise men and the big star in the sky, just stay away from reindeer and sleighs.
5. Spray-on snow. Unless your house is also a 7-11 mart, just say no to spray-on snow.
6. Shiny tinsel garland. This crap is meant for office cubicles, dorm rooms, and discount stores. Don�t put it in your spruce tree. Don�t wrap it around your mailbox. Don�t drape it from your balcony.
7. Neon signs. Neon signs are meant for bars and fraternity houses. Neon signs are for advertising beer. Neon signs are not for your windows at Christmastime. Santa faces, candy canes, and Christmas trees should not be used in neon signage.
*A note on white lights, especially the ever-so-popular icicle lights: I have nothing against white lights. They look nice. And they sometimes deter people from breaking rule #2. However, I am against the snotty attitude held by the white lights and their users. White lights are not better than multi-colored lights. White lights, you�re the new kids on the block. There was a time, not so long ago, when nobody used white lights. Everyone was loyal to the tried-and-true multi-colored lights. Nowadays it seems everyone and his next-door neighbor is going with the white lights. Like I said, they�re *nice*. But they�re BORING! A whole street lined with white-icicle-lit houses? Yawn. So, come on, be colorful!
Here ends the lesson. For today.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004