Diaries I Read:
So, to recap my sophomore year in college: I rushed a sorority and they didn�t like me. I tore my knee in half. Then, to make matters worse, I fell in love.
One of my sorority sisters set us up for our formal dance in the spring. I got set up for every single formal dance (except for one that I went to with J) because I was a loser and couldn�t find a date for myself. No seriously, I�m not just throwing myself a pity party here � I really did not know any guys, even just friends, to ask to a dance (except for J, and he doesn�t count because asking him to a dance would only have added to the drama). Some of my set-ups were lousy. Some were OK. And then there was Mike.
Now, don�t get confused with the Mike I talked about a few entries ago � the one I went slumming g with. No, this Mike was different. Very different.
A few days before the dance, we decided to meet up for lunch so we wouldn�t be complete strangers going to the dance together. We met out on the quad, and we hit it off almost immediately. He wasn�t drop-dead gorgeous, but he was definitely cute. He had a great smile and beautiful teeth � that�s the first thing I liked about him. He wore glasses, and I�ve always had a thing for guys in glasses. Other than that, there wasn�t anything remarkable about his appearance.
We ended up sitting there on the quad talking for hours � so long that I sunburned my nose and my shoulders, which looked really cute in my halter-top gown a couple of nights later. I really liked him.
We went to the dance and I started liking him more and more. We kissed on the dance floor. We went home and went in the Jacuzzi. We kissed some more. The next morning he came over with some tiny yellow roses and a card.
We dated for several weeks, and I fell in love with him. At least, at the time I thought I was in love with him, and that�s all that really matters, right? We went on a camping trip together.
One night, he said he was falling in love with me. I said, �I love you too.�
The next night, I started telling him how I felt. I told him I was scared about how fast things were going and how quickly my feelings for him were growing. It seemed innocent enough to begin with, but before I knew it, those few comments had turned into a drawn-out discussion that ended up with him breaking up with me.
It happened just like that. All of a sudden, we had broken up. Believe me, it wasn�t my choice. I remember walking home from his apartment in complete shock. I couldn�t believe what had just happened. From then on, I was very careful about being so truthful about my feelings � tell someone you care about them, they break up with you was the lesson I learned that night.
I was absolutely crushed. Again. I was hysterical. I called J. I sobbed on his bed. He couldn�t understand how I could be so upset over someone I�d only dated for a few weeks. My roommates thought I was crazy. �You weren�t in love with him or anything, were you?� they asked. �I thought I was,� I said.
It took a looooooooooooong time for me to get over him. I never did understand what had happened. I do remember that I wrote him a long letter, and he wrote something back to me. If I remember correctly, the response said something to the effect of, he liked me and told me the things he thought I wanted to hear (thanks for that). I think basically it just got too serious too fast.
This is a poem I wrote two years (TWO years!) after this experience:
AFTER TWO JUNES
Only on colder days, unlike this one
do I forget you.
You said, early summer
in your dark room above the parking lot
when I asked if this is it,
�I think it has to be.�
Since then we have not spoken
but three times.
You seem content.
And so what had to be has been
I still look for you in the park
These years I will imitate
what we had. I feel like
an expectant mother who miscarried
and will never know
if the thrill inside
was really child.
I�m not trying to be melodramatic here or anything, but Mike was basically the end of me for that year. I had tried and failed too many times. My heart had been broken in tiny little pieces. I�d spend many years putting them back together.
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004