Diaries I Read:
This weekend B and I spent a lot of time trying to organize our files. In the midst of this Mission: Organization, I came across several items that made me reflect upon my college years. One thing I came across was my poetry. I was pretty into writing poetry while I was in college, and I think I actually wrote some good stuff. But man, is it sad. One of these days, I�ll post some of my poems and you�ll see what I�m talking about.
The thing is, I WAS sad in college. If I had to label those four years with an all-encompassing adjective, �sad� would be the word. But I�ll go into that more at another time.
Another thing I came across was a photo album, mostly of my senior year. And actually, that year wasn�t so bad. Most of the pictures capture fun memories, and I look like I�m fairly happy in many of them. But that�s not really what I remember about college � I don�t remember being happy. That�s too bad. I wish I could have more happiness associated with those years.
Anyway, the last thing I came across was a letter. It�s a letter I wrote to J during our freshman year when I very first broke up with him and very first broke his heart. It�s probably a draft of the letter and not exactly what I actually gave to him, but I imagine it�s pretty darn close. Here it is:
Dear J,
Unfortunately this is the only way I can bring myself to tell you what I need to tell you. This is so difficult for me, and I apologize for not having the strength to just come right out and say it.
Right now I�m feeling as if things have changed between us. My heart just doesn�t feel the same as it used to. I�m going through so many changes right now; maybe I shouldn�t expect everything to seem the same. But right now I need some time and space to sort out my true feelings and try to understand my heart.
I guess there�s no way around the subject. I need some time right now to be on my own. I need the freedom to see other people, go out with friends and see the rest of this Davis world. I don�t want you to feel as if I�m completely deserting you. I still love you � as a person and as a friend � but at the same time my feelings are different. I realize I can�t expect you to wait around for me, and I know that I�m running the risk of losing you forever. But the way I look at it, if it�s meant to be, somehow it will work out. Four years is a long time to be with one person exclusively. We both need to experience different relationships right now in order to change and grow and discover what�s ture in our hearts.
I hope you can understand how I�m feeling right now. A year (and it has been the most wonderful year) is a long time. I�m beginning to feel as if perhaps part of the world is passing me by. And I need the space to go out and see that part of the world, see if I like it, reexamine my heart.
I�m rambling. I hope you understand. You will always, always, no matter what happens, hold a special place in my heart.
So that�s it. Why did I put it here? I don�t know. Because I found it, I guess. I guess it�s just interesting to look back in time this way. I think it�s kind of ironic that I kept saying how I wanted to discover this new place that was college, and frankly, what I discovered in the next couple of years was pretty ugly. They were not good years. I wonder if things would have been different � better � if I hadn�t given J that letter.
The other thing about the letter that hit home with me was the last sentence: no matter what happens, you will always hold a special place in my heart. I have to say that that�s true. I mean, anyone who�s looked through this journal knows that there�s still a place in my heart for J. That doesn�t mean I�m in love with him or need him as a part of my life, but there is a tender spot for him. I can�t help it.
So I was sitting there on the floor reading this letter, and I thought to myself about how many times J had made the same promise to me � that I�d always be in his heart. And I wondered to myself if that was true, considering what he did. But I have to say that I think it is true. I�m pretty sure he there�s a tender spot in his heart for me similar to the one I have for him. And then I wondered to myself, if I had been in his shoes � if I had been the one to fall in love with my future spouse at that time � would I have done exactly the same thing as J did? Would I have written him out of my life, even making a point that I was doing so? And would I have done it without feeling the heartbreak that the other one felt? Well, I think it might have been similar � I�m sure it was MUCH easier for him to let go of me since he was in love with someone else. It�s easy to forget about everything else when you�re caught up in those brand-new feelings. If I�d met B at that time, I�m sure J would have been the farthest thing from my mind. BUT. I really believe that I would have done it differently. I wouldn�t have cast J out of my world. Yes, things would have changed, as they always do in those situations. But I think if it had been the other way around, J would have been at my wedding.
I really do believe that. I don�t think I could have done what he did. But then I have to ask myself �Why?� I was never a better person than J. At least I didn�t think so. So one of two things are true: 1) I was sorely mistaken about his character or 2) he did a total about-face. I think it�s the latter. Which is sad too.
So, we step back in time once more. This may be a theme for a little while if I keep reflecting back on those years, and especially if I dredge up some of those old poems�
Working at home - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004
Toronto - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004
On the way to Toronto... - Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004
A Good Day - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
Another letter - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004